don't know nothing about my soul.

Legs, a photo gallery of jealousy.

2009-12-19T05:08:00.008-05:00

I have terrible, short legs. The only brand that can exactly fit my leg length is Express' short hem.
I'm RIDICULOUSLY obsessed with long legs. I can't even kill daddy long legs'. It has to be envy. I always want what I can't, don't have.

Here are some pictures for you to ogle and drool over.

P.S. I saved the Liv Tyler picture for last. Of all the pictures I came across, it was definately my favorite. I think anyone else that checks this out will agree.

"glass half full shit."

2009-12-06T05:06:00.005-05:00

I'm re-watching Garden State for the first time in about 4 years. Part of the reason I disliked it the first time around was because of Natalie Portman's character. The second part of that reason, was because someone once compared me to her character. I've always disliked her part in the movie, but I guess now after watching it a few times, she is a likable person, with a good heart, so how can you really go wrong? I guess it was her optimism that I was opposed to. Since I'm a negative Nancy. But now that I'm older, and more mature, I'm understanding the appeal to her. She's so kindhearted, sincere.
After all, this is a movie about my home state, I'm supposed to like it. And as unreal as it may seem, the movie does represent the Garden State almost one hundred percent. This shit was my high school, college years, current. Zack Braff, he did graduate from one of the Oranges with Lauryn Hill.. Supposedly..
"I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously."
Maybe a few years too late I've felt that I should take this advice to heart.
I feel like I fully comprehend the meaning of that statement (in the present), and excuse the melancholy, but as a teenager, I was a miserable brat. But.. now, that sentence seems very close to my heart.

articles.

2009-12-01T15:43:00.001-05:00

Hate Crimes Spike: Religion, Race, Sexual Orientation Are Main Targets -- Politics Daily
Seriously? This is depressing.

Why loneliness can be contagious.

Cops save swimming deer!
How adorable!

Hearing through skin.

I wish I had the balls to wear the gigantic faux fur vests

sweeeeeeeet jane

2009-11-02T03:27:00.008-05:00

i do like fall weather.
crisp air and chills.
reminds me of being little.
it feels like now that i'm getting older, i barely recognize the seasons. they all just blend into each other and none of them have their specific traits anymore. i've only really felt autumn about three days this fall. it's a distinct sense. once again, crisp air, chills, warm earthy colors, sweaters, boots, walking home from school.
i don't feel that anymore.
everythings just kind of the same.
sometimes though, one day stands out more than the other and i'll get all nostalgic and feel warm and cuddly inside.
i love days like those.
especially once winter comes.
i love colder weather. :)
smiles everywhere!
i'm saving up my money to run away from home again, just this time i'm not sure where, but i'm thinking that i might cross some seas and/or continents to find a new favorite place.
i'm
excited
for something
new!

speaking of places to run away to..

here are some people that i haven't seen in months because they live so far away, people that i miss very much..

For what it's worth..

2009-10-16T01:22:00.004-04:00

I swear to god, if I ever get another late night text message from a boy, any boy, I will lose my head. How stupid do I look?
THERE IS ONLY ONE REASON FOR A LATE NIGHT PHONE CALL.
Well, wait, unless you're out and hanging with friends and you're waiting for someone else to come and meet up..
but besides that..
THERE'S ONLY ONE REASON.
And no, I won't go over to your house, and you can't come to mine.
JEEZUS.

So with that said, maybe I'll ignore the text and hope the person gets the hint, instead of just bitching about it on my blog. Maybe.

dear hannah

2009-09-08T04:51:00.002-04:00

I will eventually get to the posting about how I'm supposed to invite you all into my life.

The other night (last night), some of the key themes of my dream was:
kidnapping, escaping, babies, safety, stolen vehicles, daytime.

Right now, I have to copy and paste some interpretations of these parts of my dream,

Kidnapping = "To dream that you are being kidnapped, denotes feelings of being trapped and restricted. Someone or some situation may be diverting your concentration and your attention away from your goals. "

Escaping = "To dream that you escape from jail or some place of confinement, signifies your need to escape from a restrictive situation or attitude. Alternatively, it suggests that you are refusing to face your problems. You are avoiding the situation, instead of confronting them"

Babies = "To dream that you are babysitting, suggests that you need to care for the child within yourself."

Safety= "To dream that you have a sense of security, suggests that you may be experiencing much insecurity in your waking life. The dream is compensating for your lack of security. You need to feel well-protected, both physically and emotionally. "

Stolen cars = "To dream that you car has been stolen, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person"
"To dream that you are riding in an automobile, signifies that even in pleasant situations, you will still be restless and uneasy"

Daytime = "To dream of the afternoon time, suggest that it is time to put your energies to good use. Draw and learn from your past experiences and lessons. Alternatively, it symbolizes clarity to a situation."

Basically,
what all this means is,
I'm an insecure basket case that's unable to confront her fears/problems.
Although, the daytime totally throws off the whole thing.
Maybe there is hope for me yet.

samantha supertramp.

2009-07-09T17:16:00.003-04:00

My dreams are trying to tell me something.
The main theme they've all shared;
helplessness.

So positive.
I guess I'm just a lost cause.

P.S. Very sick of these "The Ugly Truth" ads on facebook. I hate Katherine Heigl. I really want to banish her to an island inhabited only with Komodo Dragons.

plane crashes

2009-07-02T14:22:00.003-04:00

I had a dream the other night about myself being in a plane crash.
I woke up gasping right before the plane would've "crashed."
This got me thinking.
I've never died in a dream.
And I wonder if anyone else has, if you're reading this, and you have, let me know. Explain the situation, too.
Like I'm pretty sure I've been dead in a dream, but I'm not sure if I've ever experience the act of dying.
I wonder why though. Like, is there a dream heaven? And if so, does that mean there's a real "heaven"? It got me thinking, cause dreams are so other worldly.
So if you can die in a dream and transcend to dream heaven, would that then mean that there's a real heaven?
I'm definately looking way too far into this, but it's a legit question.
Maybe that's why I can never die in my dreams, cause then I'll know the whole mystery of death.
Why else can't I die in my dreams?

tropical islands

2009-06-18T05:05:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I leave for the Dominican Republic.

I haven't been on a plane since Cancun (circa 2002). I'm a little nervous. That's the last time I was invited on a family vacation. BASTARDS.
I have an uneasy feeling. I think I'm going to be eaten by a shark. I know, I'm crazy. And I also know, that although I've had many summers at the Jersey Shore, I've never feared sharks before (despite the well-publicized shark attacks that happened during the 40's. Yeah, I want to say that's the decade.)
All I've been thinking about is how I'm either going to die in a plane crash or get eaten by a shark. I remember the first time I was on a plane, when I was 7, I had a horrible ear-ache during landing. I can remember myself screaming in pain, and I was a pretty quiet and reserved child. At least alone I was. Now at 22, if I were to see a child like that, screaming on a landing, I'd probably slap it. I never realized until recently how much I hate children.
I hate how my brother's 10 year old friends come to my house, raid my fridge, drop popcorn all over the floor, and think how it'd be such a smarter idea to eat it up off the ground instead of asking for help to clean it up.
I FUCKING HATE CHILDREN. OMG.
Thank GOD I'LL be away from little runts for at least a few days.

Speaking of death (via shark/plane), me and the bitches were talking today about how we'd like to die. And honestly, if I had to choose between dying spontaneous versus being ill for a long time and eventually dying of some horrible disease, well, I'd choose spontaneous death. And I know that sounds like an obvious choice for anyone. But let's say on the way home from my trip to D.R., my plane crashes. Well, in a way, I'd be happier with that ending, than dying of cancer 40 years from now.
When I die, I don't want to know that it's happening. I don't want to be like the people in my family who struggle for months trying to beat a disease, only to lose. I'd so much rather die without being able to think about it. I don't want to think of my death. I don't want to be bed-ridden for months thinking about when my time will come and what will happen to me after that time comes. Cause, to be honest, I don't think anything happens when you die. I think that you die and that's all there is, and that's actually quite miserable.
I know you're supposed to make the most of the time you have on earth or whatever, but it's depressing to think that I'll die and all I'll have after my death are the memories that other people will have of me. That's what I think happens. When we die, that's it. That's our life. Do we remember what happens before we are born? No, because we don't exist. And will we remember what happens to us after we die? No, because we don't exist.
It's sad, I know, but maybe that's more of a reason for all of us to go out and live our lives the way we truly want to.
Maybe I'm too idealistic.
Whatever.

See you guys when I get back! <3333

neglect.

2009-05-29T02:54:00.005-04:00

I've been neglecting this blogspot, but don't worry, due to current stress-ors I can blog all night and into the morning.

First, I love listening to Amy Winehouse. But only Back to Black, her other ep's I wasn't too fond of, Back to Black is SOOO genius. LOVES IT, way too much.

Secondly, I can not deal with all this pressure.
I can not deal with my parents trying to shove me out the door although I can barely make my $150 month car payments.
I can not deal with not having enough money to pay my NUMEROUS parking tickets.
I can not deal with not being able to pay for my Dominican Republic trip that I owe my mother for.
I can't pay my credit card bill which is only less than 100, but I still can't even scramble to find that much money.
I can't ask moms because a) she's cheap, and b) she's probably making less money than I am right now.
I can't pay my car bill because I have zero dollars in my wallet and I'm only working Saturday night this weekend, and Sunday morning, and I can't find any other shifts.

So a quick summary of that is, I can't afford the lifestyle I lead with semi-new clothes, a new car, and a tropical paradise type vacation (even if I'm paying less than 1/3 of the trip), and unless I start making 1,000 dollars a month, I also can't afford to move out.

I'd consider hanging myself in my bedroom right now, but I have one of those basement boxed ceilings which would just crumble under my weight, sooooo even that wouldn't work out for me.

WHERE IS MY FUCKING TAX CHECK!?!?!?

CAN I GET A FUCKING BREAK? SOMEWHERE?

ONE GOOD THING- I don't think I'm on academic suspension. I *fingers crossed* got a 2.0 this semester, so I'll be able to take classes next semester.

dkljfagfkljq32tp
asdlyj09234ujytpiojqh
qhjkqw4tjhio5wi6o356pipo35i6upoi356iu356pouo4kjyuj4yu

"I don't understand,
why do I stress a man,
when there are so many weirder things at hand?
we could've never had it all,
we had to hit a wall,
so this is inevitable withdrawal.
even if I stop wanting you,
a perspective pushes through,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon."

I love A.W!!

typical.

2009-05-27T00:26:00.002-04:00

I'm watching way too many cable reruns of Sex and the City and it really makes me want to be in a relationship so I can sleep with someone I'm comfortable with on a daily basis.
How hard is it to find someone?!

So I'm putting out a want-ad for such a person.
I think I'm onto something.

you know that i'm no good.

2009-05-01T03:21:00.002-04:00

The Pros and Cons of Summer.

PROS.
1. Not having school, although, starting next summer, I'm not having any more seasonal breaks.
2. Trees are in full bloom. I like trees, what can I say?
3. Vacations, although I never really end up going anywhere. This summer is a different story though, THANK GOD.
4. Sleeping in and not feeling guilty for doing so.
5. Restaurants have outdoor seating, I love that.
6. Drinking in the afternoon. Doing it during the winter/fall just isn't that much fun.
7. BBQs. Kind of goes along with number 6, but not necessarily.
8. DRESSES. DUH.
9. Going out more.
10. Driving with the windows down. I love the wind.
11. Sidewalk chalk, enough said.
12. Not having to drive home drunk late at nights cause it's warm enough to walk home.
13. Dodgeball.
14. Getting drunk at the park. My fave pasttime.

CONS
1. SWEATING. ew, sweating. I don't think I hate anything more than sweating, it grosses me out, gives me the heebie jeebies, looking at sweaty people is gross. JDFAGKJGKLJ4OJT UGH.
2. 95+ weather. I don't enjoy heat stroke.
3. Bathing suits. FUCKING HATE bathing suits, I look like a beached whale, I don't want to be forced to go swimming at Amanda's pool cause everyone else is. I'm self conscious okay! jeezus.
4. Air conditioning. I actually don't really like it, but sometimes it's just too hot and you have to. I also hate the central air in my house because my basement is always freezing.
5. Not having school. I know, call me crazy, but I get bored sometimes.
6. Pollen, allergies, other lame shit like that.
7. Not being able to wear cute fall clothes/boots.
8. The rising price of gasoline during the summer months.
9. Summer thunderstorms can happen at any time and I don't like that. I don't enjoy leaving my house when it's raining, and in the summer- rain is just too spontaneous for me.
10. Goes along with number 9, frizzy hair, and then hearing people with pin straight hair bitch about having frizzy hair.

So with that said,
it's almost summer- yay!
My first finals start next Tuesday, and my last is the following Tuesday.
I have yet to tell my mother that I will not be taking summer classes because I'll probably be on academic suspension. Well, it's less like probably and more like definite.
Wish me luck!
Happy May Day!

articles.

2009-04-18T12:58:00.003-04:00

http://news.aol.com/article/lottery-winner-charity/433871?icid=mainhp-laptopdl1link3http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.com%2Farticle%2Flottery-winner-charity%2F433871
A lottery winner who gave his winnings to charity.

People like that piss me off.
Cool, awesome, you donated to a charity and now I bet you feel like a better person.

But you're not, you're an ASSHOLE. You shouldn't play the lottery, you are taking away the odds of other people who actually want / need the money. You are a loser.

wolf in sheep's clothing

2009-04-18T05:28:00.002-04:00

The title is the story of my life.
One day I plan on writing a story. That's my life goal. To write a story, a good one. I've written some before but, I want longer ones. Something that doesn't end at 20 pages. I feel like I have an idea for a story too. Hooray!

This is useless.
A WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING. That is me to a T.

I had some strange dreams the other night, and since I wake up numerous times during the night, I happen to remember a lot of them.

The one I most vividly remember:
Me and a few of my co-workers planned on going to Europe this summer (I've been really antsy about going to europe and i plan on going this summer no matter what). But anyways, so that's the plan and me and a few of my co-workers decide to go, but none of us have money so we take a "raft". This raft really ends up being a few pieces of wood hammered together. Somehow this makeshift raft actually makes us to a destination after about 30 days at sea. Once we get to the mainland everyone is speaking French. And since we planned on going to Europe, it would only make sense that we landed on the coast of France, but some how we realized that we weren't in France. I don't know how we realized that instead of travelling across the Atlantic Ocean, we had only travelled northbound, and we landed in Montreal, which, obviously, there's a French speaking majority. Basically my dream is unfulfilled and I'm miserable in the end because we only moved a few hundred miles northbound, when the whole plan was to make it to Europe.

I know that this dream has something to deal with the fact that

I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE FOREVER.
OR AT LEAST
IF NOT FOREVER
JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE
CAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE
SPENDING EVERY DAY IN THE SAME PLACE

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

With that said, if I can't find anyone to go to Barcelona with me this summer, I plan on staying at my family's house in Scotland for a few weeks cause I'M GOING CRAZY.
That's all I have to say.

Good night.

doctor!

2009-04-12T11:04:00.002-04:00

THIS IS just tooo nuts. If I didn't post it it'd be an injustice to you all.
I don't have a chance to read it now, but the minute I get home from South Jersey, well, I will be.

http://news.aol.com/article/edge-of-space-found/423161?icid=mainhp-laptopdl1link3http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.com%2Farticle%2Fedge-of-space-found%2F423161

THE EDGE OF SPACE WAS FOUND! HOW CAN THAT BE?! I DON'T GET IT. WHAT'S BEYOND IT! I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! THIS IS CRAZY!
Read it, peace.

2009-04-12T03:38:00.000-04:00

Topic of Conversation:

Boys.

Why;

Because they are scumbags. That's basically all there is to it.

People in general suck, but I'd rather not get into that tonight since I left work with 80 dollars after being there for so many hours because PEOPLE THINK 10 PERCENT TIPS ARE OKAY. DON'T FUCKING LEAVE YOUR HOUSE YOU CHEAP, TRASHY PIECES OF SHIT. I judge you, you are trashy, you make me want to throw up. I (and everyone else I work with) wish death upon your family and maybe, one day, if we're lucky, you WILL DIE (sooner than later obviously).
Now I have to drown my sorrows in food and binge eat a lot. THANKS, THANKS SO MUCH. DIE.

The End.

ceremony.

2009-04-10T06:53:00.001-04:00

My posts are usually named after the songs I'm listening to.

I had a great night tonight. After we left the bar, I talked to Harold and met up with him, Don, and Doug, and it was nice seeing all of them, I've missed that whole clan so much, they're such a good, honest bunch.

It got me thinking of people in my life that are good and bad influences on me, and I don't mean in the way that, like, I do things with them that I shouldn't. But rather, I was thinking about certain people that bring me down, and other people that I'm happy to be around.
I feel like the past few weeks I've been happy with the people I've been spending time with.
I'm just so sick of people that bring me down.

EX: people that;
make me feel guilty, fakes, barnacles (aka. people that attach themselves to others), indecisive people that end up making you indecisive, negative people, hypocrites, people that are always willing to point out flaws in others but never flaws within themselves, are dependent on others, are unwilling to make themselves happy, those that don't live in the present but rather the past or future, and of course two-faced people.

Basically, I've been happy with the people I've been surrounding myself with lately. I never feel like I'm being brought down, and when people bring you down, well, that's one of the worst feelings.

Human behavior is funny.
Funny-weird, not funny-hilarious.

Keep it real.

dancing alone

2009-04-09T12:23:00.000-04:00

Bizarre Love Triangle is the best song to dance to when you're alone in your bedroom.

Here's the music video , circa late 80s.
I hope you enjoy it / dance it it as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDD41R_5eR8

russian red

2009-04-07T04:09:00.000-04:00

Okay, so as many of you know, I'm A HUGE FAN of deep red lipstick, and maybe two months ago I found the perfect red shade for me at mac.

And I was reading the stylelist today, and it was talking about red lips.

And MY PERFECT LIP GLASS (Russian Red) WAS MENTIONED! My favoritest red ever, DIRECTLY MENTIONED. I was so excited, I gasped, seriously. I'm a fucking loser, I know.

Here's the excerpt, unfortunately Serena Williams was wearing it.

"The New Red Lip
Tennis star Serena Williams proved to be quite the makeup diva as she made her rounds at various fashion shows. While she's been known to wear some spectacular eye makeup, the lip color she wore at the Calvin Klein runway show took my breath away. And I'm not the only one: Makeup artist Romy Soleimani tells me that watermelon red-which has a slightly pink undertone -is the It shade for next spring. Why wait till then to try this wearable, flattering shade? Here's a version I love: MAC Russian Red, $14 on MAC.com"

Even more of a reason for me to start wearing it all the time.
Get READY!

in the backseat

2009-04-03T11:28:00.000-04:00

I got drunk last night and totally went on a rant and posted two blog entries.
I was fucked up!
The entries, of course, got deleted.

Nora almost blew up a backyard by accidentally lighting a gas can on fire.
It was hysterical.
I fell and my hand hurts.

I'm going back to sleep, I just had to delete those posts.
Good morning/night.

disproving the misconceptions

2009-03-31T03:47:00.001-04:00

So I was looking up fun cities in the good ole U S of A to visit during the summer (because I really want to go away somewhere for like a month, at least an extended stay), and somehow I got side tracked by these lists...

I always say that New Jersey is totally underrated, and most people think it's a giant slum, but as I know for fact, and as these lists prove, they are all wrong.
After all, the typical NJ stereotype is that of the "Jersey Shore D-Bag", and well after all, aren't they (in some circles) well dressed, well groomed, well tanned, well muscled men with expensive shore houses and expensive cars? And although I know money isn't all that matters, it sure does matter a lot in our culture.

so, as I already know, we own connecticut, not always, but at least we never leave the top 2.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/States_of_the_United_States_of_America_by_income

once again, we own connecticut.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highest-income_counties_in_the_United_States

BIG SHOUT OUT TO BERGEN COUNTY! LOLZ.

Anyways, I'm bored.
You people better give me some good ideas on places to visit during the summer. I need a good get away!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

at my window, sad and lonely

2009-03-25T10:01:00.001-04:00

It's 10 am and I've been up since my mom frantically woke me up at 730.
I woke up to my Louis (my dog) seizuring beside his dog dish, my mom screaming, and myself totally confused. He was foaming at the mouth, laying on his side running like 1000 miles an hour, completely incoherent, wasn't responsive at all. he peed and vomitted everywhere, it was really bad.
I thought maybe holding his head up would help, you know, when people have seizures you're not supposed to let them lie on their backs in case they swallow their tongue or some shit, so I held the giant in my lap, and was petting him, and he started to calm down. Right about when he was starting to be responsive and starting to look around, he looked right up at me and started growling.
Now , okay I'm under him, holding him against me, and my dog is a BIG dog, and he NEVER growls, he has the best temperament of any animal I've ever seen.
He's a golden retriever for christ's sake.
And I've never been so scared of my dog, I had to back away from him, and he just started barking at all of us.
It was totally like the scene in Old Yeller where the dog goes crazy and the family just had to kill it.
We had to lock ourselves in our rooms til my dad got home, we eventually had to call animal control cause he was freaking out and scared of all of us, and was just ready to attack at any moment.
Animal control eventually came, and he was doing better, he finally seemed to recognize us. I'm still just completely scared for him, for everything, it's been hell. My nerves are shot. He's at the vet now, getting tests done, and I just hope that they'll be able to find out what caused it so it'll never happen again, cause this is too traumatic to happen again. Honestly, it was so fucking scary, I'm still shaking and this happened hours ago.
I don't know what to do about my dog, I feel like I'm going to be afraid of him now and I don't want to be cause he's like this stupid, gentle giant. He's the goofiest bastard on the planet, and ugh, sorry, I'm getting upset again. I'll leave you all with some pictures of my Louis.

he doesn't like camera flashes hahaha

he is a lazy bum.

he likes chewing my brother's smelly shoes.

louis smiling, his eyes look creepy as hell though.

i dream of....

2009-03-23T01:46:00.000-04:00

being here.

<----Just knowing that this place exists,

makes my life that much better.

hmm..

2009-03-20T02:55:00.000-04:00

bored and can't fall asleep.

guess what i'm watching!

<--- hint.

my thoughts on the "best 90's movies"

2009-03-17T23:42:00.000-04:00

http://www.moviefone.com/insidemovies/2009/01/19/best-90s-movies/

this is the list.

these are my issues.

40. Speed. I can deal with that. Keanu Reeves break out role. A little too cheesy, but I'll still watch it if it comes on tv.

36. Swingers. I haven't seen this, basically what I'm trying to say is that I have to.

35. Philadelphia. Makes me cry like a baby every time. Tried to get my bitch sister to watch it with me once, but the soulless human that she is doesn't like it.

34. Clueless. OMG loves it. When I was young I couldn't wait to wear plaid skirts and knee highs in high school, but by that time the trend kindaaa faded.

32. Rushmore. Yup, another one I still haven't seen. Fuck me.

30. The Fugitive. IT was the guy without the leg! Or the arm! or the hand? something.

29. The Usual Suspects. I have a weiiird crush on Gabriel Byrne. I think that's why I like In Treatment so much.

28. Jerry Maguire. Best movie for cheesy over-the-top quotes.

26. Dazed and Confused. One movie that I introduced my sister to that she actually likes. Teenage classic! I watch this movie whenever I feel like I'm heading nowhere. It let's me know that other people don't have lives or responsibilities either, but then again, I'm not a teenager anymore.

22. Boyz in the Hood. Haven't seen it. Another one to add to the list.

21. Office Space. yay! Totally the inspiration for The Office. Totally loved it when it came out and I'd watch it on HBO before HBO left cable.

17. American Beauty. One of my top 10 favorite movies of all time. I love Annette Bening/Kevin Spacey in it. Thora Birch annoys me a pinch though. But I was probably like that at her age too.

16. Trainspotting. Nice choice.

14. Terminator 2. BIG SHOUT OUT TO JOHN CONNOR. lols

13. The Sixth Sense. I love Toni Collette. I didn't think this movie was scary despite that the studio tried to market it as such. If anything, I cried for days.

11. Titanic. SO OVERRATED! If Nora ever reads this, she will kill me.

10. The Matrix. This movie is just so hot. Literally it's hot. I want to BE these people.

8. Groundhog Day. I FUCKING HATED THIS MOVIE WHEN I WAS A KID. I never finished it because I couldn't watch anymore than the first 30 minutes.

7. Shawshank Redemption. Once while playing hang man, I guessed this movie without any hints. What other movie title has two words that are both that long? Oh, sidenote, everyone loves Morgan Freeman.

6. LA Confidential. There have been a lot of movies made about crooked LA cops. Another reason why East Coast OWNS West Coast.

5. Silence of the Lambs. I get angry when I hear that people haven't seen this movie, I really do. The end scene with Jodie Foster in the dark will still make me nervous no matter how many times I'll see it.

1. Goodfellas. Not big on mafia movies, but I did like The Godfather so I probably should get around to seeing this classic piece too.

articles of the day.

2009-03-17T22:32:00.000-04:00

http://news.aol.com/article/dolphin-bubble-rings/386019
cute little dolphins, they so smart.

http://shopping.aol.com/articles/2009/03/10/cheap-canon/?ncid=AOLCOMMshopDYNLsec0001
these cameras still aren't cheap enough for me to afford.

http://www.engadget.com/2009/03/17/worlds-most-expensive-vacuum-also-claims-title-of-worlds-gaudi/
this is a monstrosity. i'd like to know who would actually buy this. seriously, i'd like to know them.

http://news.aol.com/article/sharks-near-swimmers-in-australia/385621
"Race winner Chris Allan did see authorities put up a shark signal as he was swimming, but he seemed to take it in stride."
what a bad ass.
in june i'm going to D.R. and my recent fear of sharks might just keep me from going in the water completely.

http://news.aol.com/article/pope-condoms-aids/384211
some more abstinence propaganda bullshit.

http://www.aolhealth.com/condition-center/mental-health/why-people-commit-murder
The article's headline was "what drives people to kill their families"
how could I not read this?
In 2005 more people died from suicide than from homicide.

http://www.moviefone.com/insidemovies/2009/03/09/best-80s-movies/
"best 80s movies"

I have some problems with this...
Ghostbusters is ONLY #40, this shit was my childhood.
Do The Right Thing is ONLY 33.
sex, lies and videotape is ONLY 32. how?! I love James Spader in his younger days.
Die Hard is before ALL of those movies (i've never seen it, so i guess in a way i shouldn't judge it)
My Left Foot is 16- what the hell. I love Daniel Day Lewis and all, but seriously.
THE Terminator is 13 and THE SHINING is 14- how could this be possible? what assholes made this list. That is an outrage.

But, I am happy that....
Ordinary People made 30, just saw it recently for the first time, fell in love with Timothy Hutton. If you haven't seen it, you definately should get around to doing so.
When Harry Met Sally made 12, my romantic comedy must. I dont know what I love more, this or Bridget.
The Empire Strikes Back made 4

Is Blade Runner really that good that it made 2? I like sci-fi so I guess I should see it soon.

With all this said, I still have not seen Full Metal Jacket or Blue Velvet. I know, they're basically classics.

I don't want to bother you all with the "best movies of the 90's" tonight, so I'll post my feelings on that tomorrow.

nosferatu and other fair skinned friends.

2009-03-16T01:39:00.000-04:00

Tonight was my first viewing of the vampire classic, Nosferatu. Throughout my childhood I thought it was pronounced Nos-ter-afu, sometimes I feel a little dyslexic. I feel like, for the most part, I can't really get into silent movies. Silent movies feel a little slow to me, not as suspenseful as "talkies". I liked the movie though, Nosferatu's looks gave me the chills. He's probably the eeriest vampire I've watched on screen. But then again, most other vampires I've watched are incredibly good looking (ie; Robert Pattinson<3, Brad Pitt, Bill Compton in True Blood, Stuart Townsend, and Aaliyah. I'm not including Tom Cruise cause I think he's ugly.)

And watching this movie made me realize that I have an unhealthy obsession with vampires. For some people, their paranormal obsessions are ghosts. I know Nora loves watching ghost stories on tv and shit like that. My thing is vampires. I don't know why. Maybe it's the whole dead yet undead thing. Or maybe cause all vampires (except Nosferatu) are portrayed as beautiful, charming, and wealthy intellectuals with a bad side.

If I could go to Transylvania, I so would. I watched Anthony Bourdain's episode when they went to Count Dracula's supposed castle. I don't think I blinked my eyes once during the entire episode.
Summary;
I love villians. Even more so, I love villians that are a package deal (smart, charming, undead, lanky, beautiful, etcccc).
Conclusion;
I wish I could find myself a nice vampire boy.

I'm going to go watch Mystic Pizza now. I used to love going to Mystic with my family. It's such a pretty little town. And I've been to the actual pizza place, BE jealous.

Good night all.

everything counts

2009-03-15T03:54:00.000-04:00

depeche mode.
august.
madison square garden.

i'm there.

it's been one hell of a wild weekend. in two days i've had 7 hours of sleep.
loves it.
aimee's in cancun, and she was almost late for her flight last night because we were lost in bay ridge, brooklyn for an hour. i hate the bqe.
upset i didn't see a-trak tonight, but... there will be other nights.
love you all dearly.

espana (no swivel mark above the n, my computer doesn't do that)

2009-03-11T23:29:00.000-04:00

so british airways is having this crazy one week sale, 150 (not including taxes + miscellaneous fees) one way trips to europe. of course, i'm trying to take full advantage of this, but of course there are road blocks.
1. this is a one week sale. trip must be booked by FRIDAY. yes, two days from now.
2. on such short notice, it's difficult for people to scramble some money together.
3. we all have to book the flights on different credit cards.
4. the trip is may 13th, i have to see if i have any finals.
5. i'm not good at planning shit and it kinda seems like i'm the ringmaster of all this.

much stress, but i really hope this all works out. just thinking of barcelona makes me want to cry. i think if this actually gets booked, i will cry. and if it doesn't, i will cry as well. although, i've been particularly sensative and neurotic this week, so i don't think i can blame my future tears on this trip specifically.

this weather's been making me under the weather as well.
when's it going to be nice out?
i'm not asking for a lot. just 50 degrees and sunshine. none of this cloudy, chilly bullshit.
my room is a mess. i have water bottles piling alongside my desk, old dryer sheets all over my floor, towels, clothes, shoes, scratch off's (lolz). i've been such a drag recently. ughh.

i'm too lazy to send links to what i've been reading today or this week, but you should educate yourselves with some perez hilton later when you get the chance. very intelligent reading.

i have nothing of importance to say, but then again, i never do.
good night. happy spring break y'all

PSA.

2009-02-22T04:58:00.001-05:00

I'm at home.
It's 458 am.
I'm not drunk enough to fall asleep.
I'm bored out of my mind.
Where are the percocets?
Text me if you find Waldo!

articles of the day.

2009-02-19T01:06:00.000-05:00

http://www.asylum.com/2009/02/17/men-view-bikini-clad-women-as-objects-literally/
add another reason to why i'm not going to be wearing a two piece swimsuit this summer.

http://realestate.aol.com/pictures/finance/fastest-growing-states?ncid=AOLCOMMre00DYNLsec0002
i'm the only asshole who thinks population growth is cool.

http://www.asylum.com/2009/02/13/caught-in-the-headlights-guys-busted-ogling-busts/
hahah. best quote "it's like blinking."

http://www.aolhealth.com/health/winter-health/cold-never-blow-nose
"ew gross, boogers, disgusting."
NOT!
super cool, i love boogers.

http://finance.yahoo.com/tech-ticker/article/176478/%22Worst-Is-Yet-to-Come%22-Americans%27-Standard-of-Living-Permanently-Changed?tickers=WMT,WFMI,FDO,%5EGSPC,%5EDJI,RTH
i never want to get a real job or move out of my parents house. if i do, i guarantee i will be homeless in the future. this article just made me feel more strongly about that.

http://www.good.is/?p=15549&GT1=48001
what are you actually supposed to call the "person you're kind of seeing" ? i'm just as lost as they are.

http://astrocenter.astrology.msn.com/msn/DeptHoroscope.aspx?UMWhen=0&Sign=6&Af=-1000#unpers_UM_tag
horoscopes yay!

i'm bored now. going to read my favorite blog before falling asleep now... you should too!~!
http://sorry-mom.com/page/1

PLEASE DONATE

2009-02-18T00:06:00.001-05:00

to this VERY worthy cause.

i want/need this swimsuit. i'm not allowed to wear two pieces since i have a serious beer gut growing, soo i need a one piece and this is possibly the most beautiful and classiest swimsuit i've ever seen.
check it out.

http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/catalog/prod.jhtml?itemId=prod76640046&parentId=cat9280751&masterId=cat9280747&index=10&cmCat=cat000000cat000001cat17740747cat20230754cat9280747cat9280751

GIVE ME MONEY.

15 albums list

2009-02-17T02:43:00.000-05:00

Think of 15 albums that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world. When you finish, tag 15 others, including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good. Tag, you're it!

~ = approximations

1. The Supremes; Greatest Hits. childhood.
2. Fleetwood Mac; Rumours. childhood.
3. No Doubt; Tragic Kingdom.<333>
4. when I was in 8th grade I listened to Alice in Chains, alright, get over it. next!
5. The Get Up Kids; Something to Write Home About. 9th grade.
6. my first cassette ever, Green Day; Dookie. 2nd grade, I remember my mom flipping out on my dad for letting me get it and saying that it was music that my cousin listened to. as if that should be enough of a reason.
7. Sunny Day Real Estate; Diary. 10th grade. I'd listen to this every day on my WALKMAN haha.
8. Interpol; Turn on the Bright Lights.
9. Nirvana; Nevermind. ~10. my aunt listened to them, so i listened to them. possibly the only band that I've continuously liked all these years.
10. The Go-Gos; two disc cd that I got for my 14th birthday. I wanted to BE them.
11. TLC; crazysexycool. I can't remember what age, maybe 3rd or 4th grade. Every girl I know had this cd, and loved it, and still swears by it.
12. The Arcade Fire; Funeral.

hmm..........

13. The Who; Tommy. 9th grade when I smoked lots of pot. Thank you James.
14. Broken Social Scene; You Forgot it in People. 11th grade.
15. NSync; No Strings Attached.

That took a little more brain power than I thought it would.

wa wa we wah.

2009-02-17T02:24:00.000-05:00

MY SUPER, AMAZING, EXTRAORDINARY, 25 DOLLAR, 4 FLUID OUNCES, BRANDY NEW ANTI-FRIZZ BREAKTHROUGH TECHNOLOGY JUST CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY, it's called living proof or some shit like that.
Sadly enough, I was incredibly excited for it. Frizzy hair is the biggest pain in the ass, and now I won't have to blow dry and straighten my hair every day. I'll be saving electricity and my hair follicles at the same time! So far it's worked. Honestly, everyone that suffers from frizz should probably buy it. MIT scientists made it. True story.

I just finished watching Gran Torino and Tropic Thunder. Wow, I love Robert Downey Jr. Seriously, he is one sexy bitch. I ENVY his wife. I'm going to wear a skinsuit made out of her dead body and trick him into thinking I'm her. hahah just kidding guys! hahahah. oh man, I'm out of my mind.

As predicted, Valentine's Day was spent alone. In a way.
I worked from 1130 am to about 12am, a nice 12 hour shift and DEFINATELY did NOT make the type of money I should have. Although, everyone had big plans to go out and be loser girls without boyfriends and make out with as many strangers as we could find, no one really did anything, and I ended up going home, changing into my pajamas, and passing out immediately. I guess it wasn't that bad of a Valentine's Day, considering I didn't get a chance to think about how pathetically alone I really am.
Now, in the spirit of the miserable, soul-less, anti-idealist bitch that I am, I'm going to read some "I bang the worst dudes" and laugh at others misfortunes while secretly crying on the inside because I deserve to be on that website.

peace out. P-I-E-C-E.

today's reading.

2009-02-13T14:05:00.000-05:00

Since aol lures me into reading the news every day, I'm going to make you people read the same articles that I am. Also, so you guys don't think I'm more crazy than I already am for knowing way too much about too many useless things.

http://news.aol.com/health/article/octuplet-mom-angelina-jolie/340980
octuplet's mom and the angelina resemblance.
creepy.

http://information.travel.aol.com/article/family-travel/_a/leaving-it-all-behind-a-life-lesson-of/20080917123909990001?ncid=AOLCOMMtravdynlprim0454
world's cutest family. dropped everything and ran off to see the world together, so cute.

http://news.aol.com/article/rodents-peanut-recall/341823
dead rodents, rodent feces, and bird feathers = the reason for the peanut butter recall

http://shopping.aol.com/valentines-day-gifts?ncid=AOLCOMMshopDYNLprim0001
what each rose color means... scandalous.

http://news.aol.com/article/boy-charged-with-killing-dad-offered/271672
nine year old kills his dad. reason #1 why you shouldn't beat your children if you "bear arms".

http://news.aol.com/article/new-york-plane-crash/342026
what's with planes crashing in the tri-state?

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece
the scariest article of today.
the 13 year old baby daddy.

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/13/stimulus/index.html?iref=topnews
something probably a little more important than the other articles; house passes the stimulus bill.

happy readings!

harvest moon

2009-01-31T07:13:00.000-05:00

that's my wedding song, if i ever get married, and i wont be dancing to that. something about lots of people watching me dance makes me incredibly nervous. but it will be played, on repeat. i told nora that tonight.

question for everyone;
WHAT makes YOU happy?

When I really think about it, more things than not make me happy, although I don't know if I ever really feel continually happy.
But even the things that make me happy, usually make me cry. I guess it's an emotional extreme. It doesn't matter if it makes you happy or sad, but it all depends on how intense the feeling is. Like something, like a baby, will make me happy for a little bit and cute babies will make me say "aww I want a baby," in which Sabrina (who's likely to be standing next to me when I say this) will laugh.

Things that make me happy;
BABIES
Puppies/Dogs
Kittens
Wild rabbits, not caged ones, they're boring and I pity them. if anything, they make me sad.
friends ( nora, tierney, kyle, ashley, deana, amanda, sam, aimee, caryn, brooke, jeanette, chris (happy bday!), hannah, amber, jackie, hughie, tiffany, sabrina, steph, all the mikey's, blake, danny, both andrew's, victor,
Wee John
mixed cds
Philadelphia
sad movies
nice dresses
sunny days
rainy Sundays
beaches
simultaneous laughing
locking eyes
not feeling awkward around people
plaid
watching snow
hugs
incandescent light bulbs
wikipedia
information
accomplishing things
my job (SOMETIMES)
strangers in love
strangers with their children
red
post impressionism
books
birch trees
driving on route 46 and the parkway
new york state throughway too
finding bargains
cute boys
when I actually cook things and they taste good
when I complete domestic tasks
seeing people that i miss
or seeing people that i don't miss but once meant a lot to me, its bittersweet
FOOD.
tax season
colors
HELLO KITTY<33333333333333

good night.

i wish my life was a little less seedy

2009-01-27T02:37:00.000-05:00

why am i always so greedy?
wish i looked just like cheryl tweedy.
i know i never will, i know i never will.
i wish my life was not so boring
every weekend four to the flooring
don't get me started on monday morning.

OKAY.
enough with the lily allen.
As of right now, I'm over food. You know what, I think it's overrated. I know, unfortunately, I will not be able to follow through with this, but maybe if I think about it, I might be able to curb my food intake to like a meal a day. I think my liver hates me right now. So not eating might be good for it, or it could actually be much worse. But you know what, I'm an incredibly vain person. And every girl that is thin at my age and drinks just as much as I do, well.. they aren't eating either. So don't judge me. ALRIGHT?! And don't believe them if they say they are, I'm a girl, I know this shit first hand. If they're not going to the gym but still maintain a skinny frame, they're not eating. And if they are, I hope they die a miserable death cause I'm insanely jealous of them. I sound like a crazy person but I don't care. Since everything else in my life (for the first time ever) is going according to plan, I have one thing to bitch about, and that is my weight. Like how did this happen? How did I gain 20 pounds in 3 years? I haven't changed anything in my diet, I haven't stopped working out since I've NEVERRRR worked out. I don't understand it. I guess this is what aging is all about. Getting fat. Fuck this. Food, I've broken up with you as of today.
Besides food, I have one more complaint. If there are any nurses or future nurses out there reading this, please give me some advice.
I've had these pains before, they didn't just start occurring on Saturday night, butttt I've been having sharp, stabbing like pains in the lower, right side of my stomach, like right above my hipbones for a day and a half straight. It's an incessant feeling, and I've had it from like Saturday night at like 7am (i guess really sunday morning 7am) and it continued all throughout the day until when I woke up for work on monday morning. Sunday night (into monday) it felt so annoying that I couldn't fall asleep till 9am. It's this continuous, sharp, stabbing feeling, and I don't understand it.
On the right side of my back/side I feel a light soreness. It's like a bruising feeling, like someone just punched me in that spot. These two feelings are simutaneous; the stabbing and the soreness. I don't know what it is, and it keeps me up at night and unable to sleep. It's incredibly annoying.
enough of the wa wa wa's.
President's day weekend = PHILADELPHIA.
I can't wait. OMG.
Things have been chill. I'm excited for spring. It's been a cold winter. I like it.

black

2009-01-25T04:50:00.000-05:00

i know someday you'll have a beautiful life, i know you'll be a star, in somebody elses sky, but why can't it be mine

i'm not tired. 5 am. i can't focus. i'm freezing. my teeth are clenched tightly together. i'm going to be alone on valentines day. yuck.

wednesday late night.

2009-01-08T01:53:00.000-05:00

I hate being home late at night when I'm sober.
I guess maybe it's been awhile since I've done this, since I'm feeling so restless.
All I do is watch television, and binge eat.
Since 10 pm, I've consumed cheez its, an entire sundae from friendlys, some of a chocolate orange, a glass of milk, and a bottle of water.
Typically, one would think that if you were drinking you'd be intaking more calories, but for me it's actually the other way around.
I hate being home at night.
I'm bored out of my mind.
And I think I'm going to heat up some leftovers.
yay.

it sucks to be a server.

2008-12-24T21:38:00.000-05:00

Okay, I love everyone I work with, really I do (except for like 4 of you, but no one likes you either so you're almost non-existant) and I didn't mind going into work on Christmas Eve, because I'm hoping that maybe that means I won't have to work NYE. And I was hoping to get a lot of pity tips.
WHICH DID NOT HAPPEN.
I worked from 4 to 9. I had four tables. I made TEN DOLLARS. TEN DOLLARS. and for all you people out there that think we get paychecks so it evens out, WELL WE DON'T, SO THAT MEANS, I MADE EXACTLY 2 DOLLARS AN HOUR PUTTING UP WITH BULLSHIT.

Open letter to my last table tonight....
You came in 50 minutes before closing, I wanted one last table, so I took you and gave you the benefit of the doubt. You were the last table in the entire restaurant. You didn't ask for refills and you got only one course, a table that I thought would pity me. 3 adults (parent looking types) and one teenager (probably their son, or NOW more likely their slave, i feel for you child). You guys looked like you could afford to leave a decent tip, and well IF YOU CAN'T DON'T GO OUT TO EAT, MAKE YOUR OWN FOOD YOURSELVES YOU BASTARDS. I hope you know that one of our entrees is like 1000 calories, and I hope that you are unable to lose the weight, some how continue to gain weight cos of this, and fall into a downward spiral of obesity.
Oh and the woman at the table, you got a dessert to go, probably realizing that we were trying to close and you were keeping everyone there. How kind of you, I put extra caramel on your cake because your fat ass wanted extra, I SHOULD HAVE vomitted in a to-go container, wrapped it up, and gave it to you. I regret not doing that.
Your bill was 60$.
I knew the minute you wanted to put half on credit and paid the rest in cash that I was fucked.
And I was.
On a 60 dollar check, you left me FIVE DOLLARS. wow thanks. I guess since gas prices have dropped, you believe that's a decent tip.
THATS NOT EVEN 10 PERCENT. YOU SLIMY BASTARDS.
I hope you get into a car accident tonight when you're drunk and die.
Really, I've never wished that on anyone, but you just crossed the line.
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE, YOU ARE MY LAST TABLE, AND YOU LEAVE ME AN 8 PERCENT TIP. FUCK you.

sincerely,
your server at houlihans in hasbrouck heights.

If you are read this and you are like the above said people,
we will spit in your food, or drop your burgers on the ground.
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE TOO CHEAP AND DISGUSTING TO LEAVE A DECENT TIP, YOU SHOULD STAY HOME.
Don't sit at our tables for two hours and leave less than 15%. Really, you shouldn't even leave less than 18%. If you were a DECENT HUMAN you wouldn't.
If I know you, and you are one of those types of people, I'm secretly ashamed to know you. You are an embarrassment to everyone you know. The minute you leave a shitty tip, you are a shitty person.
Don't say because I ask IF YOU NEED CHANGE that I'm trying to rip you off or try to get a bigger tip. I'm just asking if you need change, there are no alterior motives behind this. Obviously, if you put cash in a check presenter, I will ask if you need change. Duh. Hello? Is your brain leaking?
No matter how kind and polite you may be, that isn't an excuse to leave a bad tip.
You will have bad karma if you do this. Understand that.

Besides my little rant, everyone at work- I love you, and thanks for making today a shitshow.
Everyone outside of work- I love you too.

Happy Christmas everyone, and to all my Jewish friends- Happy Hannukah.

pt 2.

2008-12-19T21:20:00.000-05:00

Oh I forgot to add, this redken stuff that I put in my hair that's supposed to help distressed dead ends looks EXACTLY LIKE semen. It even has the same consistency, I've yet to swallow some of it, but when I do I'll let you know how the taste test goes.
Interesting, huh?

I just bought black sparkly nail polish.

2008-12-19T21:07:00.000-05:00

I really love punk rock.
I want to be a punk rock girl and listen to the damned, the buzzcocks, fugazi, and the misfits every day!!!!
I want to have blue hair and a nose hoop and wear big fucking bad ass lime green doc martens. (ya no commas!)

those would be cool too.
Hey everyone guess what?
I completed this semester!
I didn't drop out and I'm pretty sure I did good on my finals, mom and dad will be SO PROUD. not.
I wish I was ballsy enough to be a punk rock girl. One day maybe I'll do it. I can't get kicked out of my house yet cause I don't have enough money to live on my own, but once I move to philly maybe I'll do it. (if i dye my hair blue I'm quite certain mother will throw my ass to the curb)
Mom's taking away my credit card.
Oh debt, you love my generation so much.
Didn't the fed just lower interest rates? I hope they did, maybe credit card companies will stop being such slimy bastards now.

i love you all, have a good weekend.

harvest moon

2008-08-12T03:30:00.000-04:00

I forgot what I was going to say.?
Today I was talking to Lira and we realized (maybe not so much on her part, but more on my part) that we're both going to be alone on Valentine's Day (once again). Which made me realize that I will be that old lady that lives alone in her huge, empty apartment with a few pieces of furniture and a dozen cats/dogs. Donde son mis amigas? Mis amigas son en mi cabeza!! I hate my job. Where am I going come September? What happens if I don't get into escuela? I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'm really going to have to run away. I can't stay here for another semester if I'm not in school, I'd have to at least go somewhere/do something. I hate growing up. I'm like the real incarnation of Tinker Bell (two words or one?). What's going to happen to me? I'm a lost cause.

second entry: a runaway/mini breakdown letter

2008-07-02T04:56:00.001-04:00

a letter to my parents about me running away to philadelphia.
they never got this letter since I ended up telling them about my plan the day before I left.
(this is undated, but it's sometime between the last week of may and the first week of june)

The only reason I'm writing this is so you guys don't worry. Although, maybe that line wasn't the best opening statement.
I'll be gone for a little while. I need some time off. Sometime away from everything and everyone. This is a good thing for me. I need this. I need a break before I lose my mind, if I haven't already. Please don't call me.
I'll call you when I get to my destination. I'm still not sure where that is though. It's just like any other trip I'll take, except you guys can't know the details. I'm not telling my friends either, so don't feel left out. If I'm not home tonight or tomorrow I'll be home by Friday night so I can do my laundry for work. I'm not going on some crazy drug binge either, cause I know you're probably thinking that.
Recently I've really fallen into a funk and I need some recooperating. I need to build up my mental immune system, I need a clean slate, and I need to be away from everything I'm so attached to. I've worn myself thin. I'm stressing myself out.
I'm pretty sure of where I'm going actually. And I know someone there, I figure they can help me around.
Just please don't fret about me, I'm going to be perfectly fine, and if I won't be, then I'll call you. I'm sorry that you have my basket case ass for a daughter.
I love you all, you're the best.
Don't worry about me, I'm an adult, and I'm tough, and I carry mase.

Sincerely,
Samantha Jean McAndrew

first entry: a 2005 diary excerpt.

2008-07-02T04:32:00.001-04:00

the bold print is commentary in the present tense. the regular print is shit that i actually wrote. i was and still are incredibly lame.

november 16th, 2005
"to be written in the style of bridget jones"
(this is during my b.j. obsession, and please, no blow job references to that)

weight; unsure, approximately 122 (ugh). alcohol units: 0. cigarettes: 2. blunts/bongs/etc; 0. boyfriends; ZERO!!!
(i can't believe that 2 and a half years ago i was scoffing at being 122 lbs. IF ONLY I COULD BE THAT AGAIN).

... i'm on the search for my own personal Mark Darcy AND despite my newly single status, I already have to deal with love interests and the like. Well for one, before will remain nameless and I officially completely ended things, will remain nameless#2 and I hooked up. I slept over, you get my drift. NO FUNNY BUSINESS WENT ON, this is truth. Soon after I ended things with nameless #1, I realized how much I'd rather be single.
Then I almost talked to beautiful prominent nose boy (yes, this was a nickname for a crush of mine that i had away at school that i was too scared to talk to) the other night, but things were awkward. So I've officially had my first school girl crush since middle school. I can't even speak around this boy, I get so nervous. We should just both TALK!!!!!
Anyways, I've also got a little crush on nameless#3. We're hanging out together over Thanksgiving break, we'll see what happens there.
(some more stuff about nameless#2 and then..) Also, forgot to mention, I hooked up with some asshole here who thinks he's hot shit. Waste of time.
It feels like sophomore year again. I love being a singleton and thoroughly love all my interests.
I hope things work out with beautiful boy here though. I need a picture of him. I haven't seen him today :(. I'm in love!!
(about april/may my crush and i finally talked despite months of exchanged glances whilst on campus, which was the most awkward moment of my life. neither of us could say anything, and we were totally acting like little children with crushes on strangers. i don't remember much about it, except exchanging names and my stomach flip flopping)

That was me inviting you all into the brain of my 19 year old self. I hope you found it as interesting/naive/stupid as I did.
_________________________________________________________

PHILADELPHIA....

2008-06-06T16:02:00.000-04:00

is my new favorite place.

Tuesday:
Tuesday morning about 12, Nora, Winnie, and I decided to drive down. After packing about 12 outfits, and no sneakers (which i later regretted) I picked them up. It took us maybe a little over 2 hours? I can't remember, but there was pretty evil traffic around exit 7.
We arrive with no place to go, so we're driving around in the afternoon heat for an hour or so trying to find a cheap place to stay so we don't have to sleep in the car. Every place we find is about 180 a night. Finally we're driving around 3rd and chestnut, and nora spots a little hole in the wall. "Society Hill Hotel". We go in, 120 a night. Check in is at the bar below the hotel, and we pay cash, and they don't ask for any id, very shady. Anyways, we unpack, lounge around, and get dressed.
The area's very safe and a pretty trendy little place called "Old City". We're right outside center city, and a few blocks from the Liberty Bell. We hike through center city, around the museum district, and through a small Chinatown that didn't have any Asian people. We stumble upon the Black Sheep bar, and get some drinks and hummus. The hummus sucks and the drinks are alright. Barely any places card in Philly. We walk back home and start to get ready for the night.
It starts pouring while we're getting ready which completely spoils our plans, but we're not going to let it bring us down. People tell us about Skinner's bar around the block, so we head over there. For a Tuesday night there's a nice sized crowd and its kareoke night. None of us are daring enough to engage in the antics, so we leave the place. We find this place that looks like a church, or some old greek revival building that once upon a time might've been a small courtroom, who knows, but we get in and there's pews on one side and a bar on the other, and once again kareoke. We meet these boys, one who's like an air force pilot, and the other that's wearing a hurley t-shirt. We talk with them for a little while, until something happens, and we start bitching them out, and we leave to go back to our hotel. Get a 6 pack and eventually sleep.

Wednesday:
Two hour parking starts at 8am, and I guess I don't really take Philly parking cops seriously, so I don't wake up at 8. I wake up later to find a ticket on my car, which ended up being cheaper than the parking tickets in Rutherford. ::::TIP; PHILLY COPS ARE SERIOUS ABOUT PARKING! don't fuck with them::: I get in the car trying to find a walgreens or something, it takes me about an hour, and I pick up about 5 bottles of water and a tooth brush. We're all sick and hungover since we basically did not eat anything the day before. I skipped the "continental breakfast" in the morning, which I semi-regret cause I would've liked to try a Philly bagel. We do some more walking around and shit like that. Head over to the Franklin Institute and walk through the giant heart with about 22 other little children. Parents gawk at us strangely, and we see a lot of cute babies. The place wasn't as fun as I remembered but it was still cute. We walk back to the car about 5 blocks away and notice that they're filming It's Always Sunny basically next to my car. Winnie sees the guy Charlie and we hang around and eventually meet DANNY DEVITO who's very small and falls in love with us.
We go back into New Jersey to get a free, classy dinner at my uncle's restaurant. We get the VIP treatment, and I WISH that we had a fridge in our hotel so I could've brought the food home. My uncle and his girlfriend tell us some places to check out, and we head back to Philly. Getting back to Philly isn't as difficult as getting to Collingswood.
Once again, we go home and get ready for the night.
At night we hit South Street and meet these weird heavy metal kids that bring us to some shitty bar that plays Evanescense. Those idiots are singing the songs, while the kid next to me thinks our accents are Australian, we inevitably leave this place, although on this rainy Wednesday night there was NO ONE OUT. I mean no one, I mean, Rutherford would've had more transients walking around then this supposed mecca of bars. We walk around trying to find a place before the bars close at 2. We stumble upon a drunk frat boy who tries to party with us, but in the end it's his friend that tells us about a cheap dive bar that's open and comes with us. The drunk boy wanders off and we follow his friend to "Dirty Franks". There's more people at this place, thank god, and although its a strange crowd, we have a nice time. We tell the friend about our nomad situation, his name was Alfred (i think). Anyways, Alfred, like almost everyone else we meet, tells us if we need a place to crash we could stay with him if worse comes to worse. Now this wasn't creepy, he put it out there in a truly hospitable way. Over the course of the week we found more than a handful of people that were willing to take us in, strictly out of kindness, not creepy at all. We start to buy drinks by the handful since we realize that the bar is going to close in about a half hour. I buy a tequila shot, buttery nip shot, and a rum and coke FOR ONLY 10.25! The bartender is this crazy, fucked up woman, sweet, but totally wasted but definately not drunk. Anyways, upon leaving Winnie buys two drinks, two shots, and a 6 pack of beer to-go for only 18$. Crazy prices, we fall in love with the place. It's a long back to the hotel in the pouring rain, and we start drinking the beers on the walk. I'm hiding mine in my closed umbrella when I accidentally press the button to release the umb. which hits me in the mouth. Pretty painful, there's some Philadelphia street peeing going on, and we make it back to our hotel in one drunk piece. Share some drugs, tell some stories, drink some more, Winnie passes out. Nora keeps me up till 630 and I have to wake up at 8 to move the car.

Thursday:
We have to wake up every two hours to put money in the meter, which is a giant pain in the ass, and this is the latest we sleep in all week. We wake up at 12 and around 1 the maid tells us check out was an hour ago. We get ready + pack up real fast. Give back the key, and get in the car. During the week someone tells us about this neighborhood a little outside Philly called Manayunk, so we make the trip. We find a restaurant called Winnie's (she took a picture with it) don't eat there, but eat at the Bourbon House off the Main Street. The whole neighborhood is absolutely adorable but pretty far from Center City. We take some pictures, and try to find what we're going to do, where we're going to go, where we're putting my car, and where we're going to sleep. We don't have enough money for a parking garage. By some grace of god we get back into Center City, and find 12 hour street parking. We put in about 5 hours of change, when Nora realizes it's 6 and that after 7 we don't need to feed the meter, we're asses. Since we have no place to go, we just walk around in circles. Actually walk around for miles in circles. Walk from 33rd street in University City to try and get into an M.I.A. show. The oldest people standing outside the show were us, and every stupid little girl there was wearing horrible neon leggings. We decided to skip it, especially since I had 35 dollars left, and between Nora and Winnie they had about 80. We walk across the bridge in University City down to Walnut and 16th to get into a bar that some guys said was legit. I bet this place would've been a lot of fun if I had money or if we weren't the only people in the entire place. We have one drink and bounce. Winnie gets a French Martini and I love that drink now. We walk back down to South Street. For you people that don't know Philly, we probably walked about five miles from U.C. to South Street. There's a lot more people out tonight, which makes us a little bit more excited. We stop into O'Neals Pub around 10 and meet these three guys who seem a little whack, but we end up chatting with them anyways.
They're telling us about this club uptown called Silk City. They leave to go there and we tell them, we'll meet them. They said it's a happening little hipster club, so why not? At least we'll meet some young peoples. We take a cab there and it's pretty packed. There's dancing and 90s hip hop. We meet up with the kids, Nelson and Kyle, and start drinking and dancing. Kyle's on the floor doing backflips in the air and dancing the worm. Nora and I keep making circles and pushing the crowd back and all these crazy dancers are getting down in the middle and going crazy. It's a lot of fun, a lot of dancing, etc. The place packs up, and theres not much room to move, but whatever!
We go outside with our new friends, smoking cigarettes with about 100 other kids. Some little kid starts picking on Nora and the kid Nelson gets all in his face about it. He's friends with the bouncer, and gets the little one kicked out. The kid starts yelling about his boys, blah blah blah, but nothing happens and he eventually bounces. Kyle and I start skateboarding, while going up to strangers and asking them where we can find a diner in horrible Australian accents. A "corny" chant starts, and it's a really good time. The bouncer yells and tells everyone its time to go home.
The boys ask us if we wanna party at their apt. with them and we take two cabs to South Philly. We smoke a blunt, joke around, meet their pitbull that they rescued from euthanasia, and basically just chill about. They live in a pretty huge 2-story apartment that they each only pay 200 a month for. THATS ALMOST HOW MUCH MY CAR COSTS. anyways, they tell us we can stay with them (no creepiness at all) but we can't. Although, if we did, they invited us to party with them at Bam Margera's the next day. We walk with them to a diner where we call about 5 cab companes and wait about an hour for one to arrive.
21st and parkway, gyro mom, corny, i said you'z a hoe, I love Philadelphia, I can't wait to go back and party with our crazy boys.

two posts in the past 20 minutes

2008-05-18T04:22:00.000-04:00

sorry, but i need to write another.

i don't even know what i need to write here. i hope no one reads this, except for hannah, only because shes the last person who commented me in the past like 5 months. miss you girl!! ps. lets get together soon and happy birthday. i hope you read this or else ill feel really dumb. also, when are you done with school? once again, if you don't read this anytime soon, i'll feel really stupid lol.
i've been drinking... nothing unusual, but i'll use that as an excuse.
i'm on the south beach diet and i'm not supposed to be drinking alcohol... but honestly, how am i supposed to function in a social setting without alcohol?
I dont know!
which is why i'm going to continue to drink, but i guess be stricter with everything else.
i saw andrew today, it made me so happy, i miss that boy. he's a graduate now, i'm so proud, he's like a real adult. also, andrew sorry for pinching you tonight, i just have these impulsive little reactions to people that i can't control.

i'm impulsive.
i'm also petrified of relationships of all kinds. i feel like i always push people away. i always push people away. i'm afraid to tell the people i'm closest to how i feel. i dont even know how to put into words what i mean. well, i do, but i just don't want to say that much. i don't want to pour out my entire emotional contents into the "blogosphere".
when i'm feeling down, nina simone makes me feel better, even if its a sad song.
i like sad songs, and sad movies, and sad books.
if i were a stranger reading this blog i'd hate me. how do people associate with me?
i'm on the fence about a few things. i'm not sure about anything, but i am sure that i have to apply to school and go up to purchase this week so i can get my transcripts. i haven't made the ride across the tappan zee in so long.
i'm feeling much better now then when i first started writing this blog, but maybe it's cause i'm fucked up, or because this pain in my bladder/uterus is diverting my attention.

south beach diet

2008-05-18T04:09:00.000-04:00

every time we say good bye, i die a little
every time we say good bye, i wonder why a little
why the gods above me who must be in the know
think so little of me, they allow you to go.

despite drinking alcohol, i'm fairly ambitious with my diet and haven't really cheated except for when i've forgot about it.

welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

2008-05-07T14:28:00.000-04:00

" It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire. "
- e. b.

" I shall go and talk to him. I shall say good night. What does the brain matter, " said Lady Rosseter, getting up, "compared with the heart?"
" I will come," said Peter, but he sat on for a moment. What is this terror? what is this ecstasy? he thought to himself. What is it that fills me with extraordinary excitement?
It is Clarissa, he said.
For there she was.
- v. w.

i'm a hopeless romantic. and im going to start using my blog again.

gone for good

2007-10-21T17:56:00.000-04:00

I want to live somewhere where it's perennially winter. Winter every time, all the time. winter, winter, winter, winter. or fall. Two seasons; fall and winter. No more summer or spring, but fall and winter.
Where the average autumn high temperature is about.. 70 degrees, and where the average winter low is 25 degrees. I don't really think a place exists, but it works out just fine in my mind.
Do me a favor, if anyone reads this, suggest a place that sounds similar. and NOT alaska. I want to go somewhere cold, not some place uninhabited. I'd rather not deal with only sunshine for X amount of days. I have such a "it's a wonderful life" idealistic view of winter. Winter in New England, now come on, doesn't that sound beautiful? Living in a log cabin (modernized of course, i don't want something that predates lincoln), wearing fairsile (spelling?) sweaters, snow boots, cute little hats, and roasting marshmellows on your fireplace. Chopping down your own christmas tree that's in your backyard. Even shovelling snow can be fun sometimes.. NOT! just kidding.
I love the second half of the year. october to december are the best months. january can be cool as well, february's not just cause of valentine's day. but like, from october through december, it's a giant celebration. Columbus day, my birthday, and halloween in october. November only has thanksgiving, but thanksgiving is GREAT! you get off school and can cheat on your diets! my mom makes really good pumpkin pie, i'll be placing orders starting november 10th if anyone wants some. december's one of the best months of the year. for all us college students, its a month long break of presents, parties, and seeing people you actually miss, or some people that you don't. (people that i miss that will be returning home; amanda, kyle, and brooke.) christmas and new years only about a week apart. best week of the year! new years is my favorite holiday. and this will be my first new years as a REAL adult. who's seen when harry met sally? let's have a new years like that? mmkay?

I LOVE COLD WEATHER.!!%bgb67yh&^&*^FGJKY)(*E$#$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

twosday

2007-06-30T03:03:00.000-04:00

IT'S 3:04 IN THE MORNING. Tonight I came home around 12 am. So early, early, early, early. I hate being the only person that's not drinking. I feel so awkward, partly cause I am so awkward. I can't function in a drunk situation let alone at a sober party. Then everyone went to smoke. What the hell is with people! Why do they want to get wasted all the time in any way/shape/form. HAHHA I'm just kidding, as if I didn't know.
"as if"
Clueless was always one of my favorite movies as a girl. It really influenced me, thats where I get my passion for plaid from. I'm just being an idiot, so whoever is still reading this, I applaud you. Once upon a time, I thought I could be anything in the world. Really, somewhere still deep inside me, I still believe this. When I was younger I wanted to be EVERYTHING. And I thought I could be everything. I was smart enough, decent looking enough, pushy/demanding enough, independent enough, the list goes on, on, on, bad and good qualities.
I used to think I was invincible too, nothing could hurt me, nothing could stop me, nothing could get in my way. Sometimes, I can be quite an ambitious person. I'm lying. It's impossible for me to be ambitious. Why? Cause I have no ambition. What the hell is there for me to be "ambitious" about. I don't like anything, I don't like to do anything. I enjoy sleeping, eating, partying, and driving in my car. Unfortunately, I can't make a career out of any of those things. Unless I befriend Paris Hilton and become a socialite. Socialite = a nicer way of saying "professional partier".
I'm still invincible to outsiders. I think the only person that is ever capable of bringing me down/stopping me/hurting me is myself. If I wanted to do all the things I wanted to when I was younger, I could. I know this. I just choose to do nothing about it.
I have bad luck with the lottery.
Sometimes I think I'm agoraphobic. Maybe one day if I'm lucky I'll finally move out to Montana and have a farm and live alone. That would be perfect.

UGH! I Wish I didn't complain so much! I'm so sorry, really, I'm so sorry. This is what happens when you let yourself go.

i knew there was something i missed

2007-06-25T04:16:00.000-04:00

When did I start getting like this? I can't fall asleep, and I really wish I could because then I'd stop thinking. I wish I was like how I used to be. I don't know what's changed. At the high school graduation that bitch of a superintendent was talking about the differences between pessimists and optimists. Something about how pessimists are willing to give up. I don't like this life.

four leaf clover

2007-06-18T02:12:00.000-04:00

I think that either tomorrow or Tuesday I'm going to cut my hair. I really think it's time.

good publicity.

2007-05-24T20:23:00.001-04:00

Last night I had a dream that the "L" train made stops in Rutherford.. how COOL would that be? and for serious, when's it going to happen? We've already got the path, but fuck the path, the path is further from my house than the city is. fuck THE PATH. and it's 3 dollars, or something. whateva, fuck the path, fuck the l train, but my dreams are awesome.
i'm taking a nap, then im showering, then im going out.
dodgeball is pissing me off because no one shows.

I'M HUNGRY.

merry go-round

2007-05-17T02:38:00.000-04:00

I guess I never realized how dark my hair is. Now that it's growing out (after my attempts to dye it a light brown/dark strawberry blonde color that really just turned to be a shade lighter) my roots look very dark. I like my hair dark anyways, but I think I'm going to dye it again. I realized I need some kind of somewhat constant change in my appearance, and since I can't afford botox/plastic surgery/eyelash extensions, I'll change my hair. I'm getting rid of the bangs too, well, can't really get rid of them, they have to grow out.

Maybe I have subconscious dreams of being a spy. It's not subconscious, it's actually very conscious. I'd love to be the female James Bond.
When I was younger I loved Nancy Drew. I had the hardcover books 1-20 (with the original covers), and a bunch of random others. Sometimes when I'm bored I'll still read them, but they aren't as good anymore. Nancy Drew is no where near as cool as James Bond either. AND I'm really pissed that "Emma Roberts" is going to be Nancy Drew in the upcoming movie, which looks like shit and totally ruins N.D. for EVERYONE. Sorry, I get really upset when my favorite childhood chapter books are RUINED IN MOVIES.
I'll admit-- Matilda was GREAT, I liked the movie ending to The Witches better than the book, the original Willy Wonka was perrrfect, I still watch the BSB movie.. I never got into Goosebumps though, oh well.
I'm thinking of which book to start reading tonight. I left Mrs. Dalloway in Nora's car, hopefully I'll remember to pick it up from her soon cause I really wanted to finish that.
Mrs. Dalloway + Franny and Zooey are two books that I took out my sophomore year to read. I didn't get into either, and for some reason franny and zooey confused me. But now three/four years later I LOVE Franny and Zooey, so I want to read Mrs. Dalloway and finish it this time and see if the same holds true.
I watched Garden State tonight. I never was too fond of that movie, it's alright I guess. Someone once told me that Natalie Portman's character reminded them of me. For some reason I won't forget that. Probably cause I find myself to be nothing like her, possibly the farthest thing from her, except for her whole lying thing. I think that's why I don't like that movie, cause her character really annoys the shit out of me. I hope I'm not like her... That would suck haha.
I've been really stressed out about what this fall will be like for me.
I can't even think about it actually, I'll just get sick to my stomach and continue to NOT do anything about it. lazy bitch.
I'm going to go watch 70's crime dramas now and find a book to read.

Good night.

apple regurgitation

2007-05-07T00:14:00.000-04:00

Every time I eat apples, I regurgitate them. I just coughed and up came some good ole chewed apples. I hate it, but I love them.
Apples are good for you. They're a whole bunch of fun. You can make so many things from apples....
Like;
apple pie, apple pudding, apple cider/juice, apple liquor, apple + brie cheese crepes, apple smoothies, makeshift bowls, throwing devices, apple bowling balls, the bobbing for apples game, apple beef, apple ham, apple beer, apple tofu, cranberry sauce, and soda.
there are so many more things, but i'll stop there.
Tomorrow I'm going to Englewood and selling crack on the corner.
Actually, I'm going to Englewood for a little early dinner-late lunch date with my girl deana.
everyone's invited.
show
or DIE.
adjfiohmq45i

So pictures of Lindsay Lohan snorting coke with friends just hit the internet. How do you feel about this? Do you think that her rehab stint was all a lie for publicity? Idiots.

I bought four mangoes at shop rite the other day and those bitches better be ripe by tomorrow. I love mangoes, but every time I eat them I have to floss afterward. And then my gums are all bloody and that glorious mango taste blends with that horrible copper taste of blood, and then I cry because my day was ruined. All because I had to eat a mango.
I've got to pull myself together and start doing some work. I feel like I'm really falling behind, basically cause it's true. I feel like everyone else my age is where they should be in life, and I just can't catch up. Once again, because it's true. I'm a fucking bum.

JEANETTE- WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO UPLOAD ASHLEYS PICTURES.
hahahah. sorry.

the music in the fugitive movie is so dramatic. i'm faced away from the tv so I can't really see whats going on, but it really makes me want to laugh.
i'm bored and need another glass of water.
good nigh.

dear ashley

2007-04-25T03:59:00.000-04:00

for now on, instead of writing dear diary, or dear blog, i'm going to write "Dear ashley". all in honor of the little journal entry i left in her notebook yesterday. and when i do write my "dear ashley" entries, they will be entries with no point and will be completely random. you (the public) do not know what i wrote in her notebook, but it was sick and about global warming, cheese, wax figurines, armeggedon, and 2009.

dear ashley,
today i went to haledon with nora. you missed that, cause your loser ass got mono from exchanging mouthpieces with your fellow wrestlers. didn't your mother ever tell you to never share drinks with people? well, i know that my mother did, simply cause she's nuts. she also told me to never use public bathrooms, and my first encounter with a public bathroom was mortifying. i was in kindergarten, and i was scared to use the bathroom cause my mom had messed me up so badly so i had to be sent home cause i was "sick". all this happened just cause i wanted to pee. now i pee WHEREVER I WANT!
meaning; i pee in memorial field, i pee behind danpuz's garage, i pee at tamblyn, once brielle was afraid to pee alone on union ave so i peed with her, i pee with my friends, I PEED ON AMANDA. thats the truth, it wasn't sexual at all.
so tomorrow I'm going fish walking. I walk fish for a few people twice weekly. If you want me to walk your fish I will, but twice a week = $40, and three times a week = $60. Sorry, I'm just the most professional fish walker around. I throw them in my own personal circular fish bowl, filled with fiji water, only the best, give them prada bathrobes, and fancy feast fish food. Then for 40$ a week they get 30 minute walk arounds, to the most glorious places on earth. Kilimanjaro, Madagascar, Tibet, Grand Canyon, Alaska, you get the picture. If you'd like the "city package" that will cost a little more, I'll take your fish on a bike through new york city visiting china town, harlem, + all the biggest attractions. Maybe a little swim at coney island if he/she is up for it. Then a lunch at bungalow 8, with a few drinks as well. The only way fish can drink liquor though is through needles, so I hope if your fish is an alcoholic, that they won't have a problem handling needles.
Make sure you trust your fish. If your fish has been acting weird, stealing money, and has "alcohol needles", be careful, your fish might really be having a heroin problem, just keep an eye out for those symptoms cause fish rehabilitation clinics have increased their fees by 66% in recent months.
well ashley, i must go, I hope you consider buying a goldfish and allowing me to take walks with it. Just so that way I make money from doing absolutely nothing, and your ass will be broke.

$10,568,307

2007-04-21T03:24:00.000-04:00

volume = valium

twelve stars

2007-04-15T20:56:00.000-04:00

I can't believe that I had work today, really I can't get over it. We didn't close... NOTHING. The ramps to get there were closed, 17 was closed. When I was driving into my own personal hell, my brakes decided they didn't want to -oh i don't know- WORK. but i was going about 10 miles an hour, and i was in my car screaming, cause my brakes kinda gave out. i eventually stopped in a parking spot though, so all was well.
my mother is bothering me. I really can't stand that woman. Apparently it's my fault that the washer is broken. um, no really you bitch I didn't do it. She has this problem where things are never her fault, maybe it's cause she's a crazy, neurotic, obsessive compulsive psychopath? Yes, I think it is. I want to move out.
Saturday is a surprise party for a friend of mine. I'm making a cake. Or rather, cupcakes. They're better.
Tomorrow I have work.
again.
I hope the rain stops, I really hate it.
Tonight is Kyle's last night. She'll be back for her birthday though.
Big partee.
I took off for cinco de mayo (my brother's communion) and memorial day weekend today. I hope plans don't fall through and we actually go to the beach.
whatever
the end

silent shout

2007-04-01T03:28:00.000-04:00

in a dream i lost my teeth again. calling me woman and half man. yes in a dream all my teeth fell out. a cracked smile and a silent shout. a cracked smile and a silent shout.

this weekend has been nuts.
i decided to stay in tonight after not sleeping at home for two nights in a row.
i've been running every day. becoming more motivated.
maybe by motivating myself to run, i'll also be able to train myself to be motivated with other things. aka. school work.
everything's passing by me so fast.
i've had so many good opportunities.
3:33 am
I bought two lottery tickets today. I lost on both of them.
I'm not asking for millions, just like 50 dollars. that would be really nice.
I really don't ask for a lot I don't think.
So, I think I've discovered the perfect male counterpart.
well, not who he is, but rather what I'd like in someone.
I'd like to find myself someone that will completely ignore me. I think I'm slightly masochistic, whatever. I'm very sick of clingy-smothering boys, nice boys, pseudo-intellectuals, dreamers, and worst of all..... boys that don't dance.
I went dancing last night, the dancing part was fun as always. Walking miles around Brooklyn in the cold + a dress wasn't so much. Two idiots tried bringing us to a 24-7 pizza place. One of them said everything was on him, so of course we'd all be cool with that. After walking a mile or so though, and discovering it was closed, I was kinda cranky. So while two of my friends were making out with the two idiots. I sat on the corner. (okay, they were not idiots, they actually nice).

good night humans.

scooters, vacation, fall

2007-03-27T01:59:00.000-04:00

my life is in the crapper.
since I don't do anything besides sit around the house all day... who wants to hang out tomorrow? I don't have work this Friday or Saturday. I'm so excited.
Not.
I'm so bored.

trash can

2007-03-22T04:39:00.000-04:00

i'm going to cut out my brain with a spoon.
i'm not going to leave anymore franny + zooey quotes cause i'm too lazy and i don't give a shit. i finally have a padlock necklace. thank you marissa's diary. don't worry, it's classy, never trashy. HAHAHAHAHA. hypocrite.
tomorrow i'm going to amandas school. then in the morning i'm going out with tiffany. i'm hella excited cause i haven't seen that crazy 4-inch-heel-loving bitch in so long. then friday night..... PARTY.
suggest something good for me to read you fuckers who never read this.
i'm in between i think.. 5 books right now... it's absolutely impossible for me to complete ANYTHING. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
I've already been using too many caps lock in this entry. That will officially ruin my night. I'm lying, really. My right arm is so fucking cold. Poor circulation, "ew".
Nora + I tried to get served at the arena diner in Hackensack, didn't work out so well. blows. I guess we'll be going to family fun for quite sometime, until we get fake id's / turn 21. but like.. UGH... I just don't want to buy an i.d. cause I'm sooooo close to 21, so god damn close. I need a sweater I'm freezing. I hate my cheap ass mom and her "keep the house at 69 degrees".. yeah well she doesn't live in the basement where it's about five degrees colder and I can no longer feel the tip of my nose.
My basement smells like mildew. Part of my basement was flooding this week. There was a sinkhole in the middle of the street that collapsed our water line. something like that.
jesus&marychain<333 SO YUMMY.
my clothes smell, i don't remember the last time i washed this sweater. it's got the lingering smell of smoke, houlihans, sweat, and a little bit of acid rain. I wonder when I wore this out raining? I'm wearing my sister's tiffany necklace right now. She threatened my life if I lost it. Why didn't I ever get a tiffany's necklace when I was younger? This is such bullshit. I will never adjust to having siblings. Or rather, I will never adjust to my siblings having much more than I did/do. Spoiled rotten brats (myself included in that one)
Nora and I want to go see a show next week, get drunk, and have an all-around good time. I miss good times. What the hell am I getting so nostalgic over. Pretend like the last two sentences were never in here.
I'm listening to 90s club kid songs. I feel like a loser. I love dancing, deal with it.
I gave up on my sewing machine last week, sucks that I bought all this fabric. It's such nice fabric too. I hate technology.
I'm getting a gold chain for easter... holla!

neon bible

2007-03-20T04:07:00.000-04:00

For me, it's the week of the neon bible. I'm really loving it. I downloaded the entire album yesterday. Oh, I'm really loving it. I'll leave you with some of my favorite quotes/paragraphs from a book I like.

"Oh it's lovely to see you!" Franny said as the cab moved off. "I've missed you." The words were no sooner out than she realized that she didn't mean them at all. Again with guilt, she took Lane's hand and tightly, warmly laced fingers with him.

Franny nodded solemnly. She was looking at a little warm blotch of sunshine, about the size of a poker chip, on the tablecloth. "I had to strain to write it," she said.

She tipped her ashes. "I'm just so sick of pedants and conceited little tearer-downers I could scream." She looked at Lane. "I'm sorry. I'll stop. I give you my word... It's just that if I'd had any guts at all, I wouldn't have gone back to college at all this year. I don't know. I mean it's all the most incredible farce."
"Brilliant. That's really brilliant." Franny took the sarcasm as her due. "I'm sorry," she said.
"Stop saying you're sorry- do you mind? I don't supposed it's occurred to you that you're making one helluva sweeping generalization..."

"I know this much, is all," Franny said. "If you're a poet, you do something beautiful. I mean, you're supposed to leave something beautiful after you get off the page and everything. The ones you're talking about don't leave a single, solitary thing beautiful. All that maybe the slightly better ones do is sort of get inside your head and leave something there, but just because they do, just because they know how to leave something, it doesn't have to be a poem, for heaven's sake. It may just be some kind of terribly fascinating, syntaxy droppings- excuse the expression."

"I do like him. I'm sick of just liking people. I wish to god I could meet somebody I could respect.. Would you excuse me for just a minute?" Franny was suddenly on her feet, with her handbag in her hand. She was very pale.

Without any apparent regard to the suchness of her environment, she sat down. She brought her knees together very firmly, as if to make herself a smaller, more compact unit. Then she placed her hands, vertically, over her eyes and pressed the heels hard, as though to paralyze the optic nerve and drown all images into a voidlike black. Her extended fingers, though trembling, or because they were trembling, looked oddly graceful and pretty. She held that tense, almost fetal position for a suspensory moment-- then broke down. She cried for fully five minutes. She cried without trying to suppress any of the noisier manifestations of grief and confusion, with all the convulsive throat sounds that a hysterical child makes when the breath is trying to get up through a partly close epiglottis. And yet, when finally she stopped, she merely stopped, without the painful, knifelike intakes of breath that usually follow a violent outburst-inburst. When she stopped, it was as though some momentous change of polarity had taken place inside her mind, one that had an immediate, pacifying effect on her body.

My fingers are cold. There's much more that I wanted to put down. But my fingers are cold and it's getting late. I'll type in some more paragraphs tomorrow. I should get some sleep.

shining star

2007-03-16T01:33:00.000-04:00

yo, i'm totally loving the new jtimb/nellyfurtado/timbaland song. IT'S SO GOOD.
soooo tomorrow my lay-zee @$$ is going to apply for a job with nora.
I realized this week, that I have neverrrr gotten a job on my own.
#1, Meadows School (Sept 2003-June 2005). Rutherford, NJ.
My mom had the connection. And also forced me to get a job OR ELSE. or else what.. I don't know, but I probably cried and hoped lightning would strike her on my first day.
hourly rate (FOR TWO YEARS)= $5.00 (bullshit)
#2, Cheesecake Factory (Sept 2005-October 2005). White Plains, NY.
My friends + I from school went to go get jobs. Five of us went in, three of us got jobs. I stopped showing up after a month, although I got really good paychecks.
hourly rate= $9.00
#3, Houlihans (June 2006 - Present). Hasbrouck Heights, NJ.
I fucking hate working in the food industry. My philosophy on life is that everyone should work in a restaurant at least once before they die. Just so they know how painful it is, and TO NOT GIVE THEIR HOSTESSES ATTITUDES OR LEAVE SERVERS BAD TIPS, I HATE YOU CHEAP BASTARDS. Brielle got me this job. I actually like it... kinda...
hourly rate= $8.00 then I got a raise to $8.75!!! hahaha

Hopefully I will be adding h&m to this list.
We'll see how this goes.

Tomorrow's forecast is snow. And doctors and scientists wonder why people get pneumonia, among other cold-like ailments. GLOBAL WARMING PEOPLE! START BEING MORE ENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIOUS!
I guess I should follow that advice as well.

Damn, I just love disco. I can't get enough earth, wind, and fire. oooo yummy!

peace + love!

broken glass

2007-03-06T00:53:00.000-05:00

I had the third dream since New Years' about my teeth breaking. Not rotting or getting cavities, but them actually breaking.
The first dream- an old couple (fat italian looking woman and skinny man) put a crow bar inside my mouth and ripped out my teeth, which then ended up feeling/looking like shards of broken glass.
second dream- can't really remember, but it was very similar
last night's dream- the last molar in my mouth had broken in half and i could see the inside of my tooth, and in my gum there was a dark purple spot where the piece had once gone. but i couldn't really look at it cause it was all the way in the back of my mouth.

what the fuck is going on here?
can someone tell me?
i'm a loser that goes to those dream interpretation sites all the time, they say that i'm hiding a secret that i want to tell the world, some shit like that.
but really, i'm almost positive i'm not hiding anything from everyone.

jeezus. i hate reoccuring dreams. this used to happen to me all the time when i was younger.

infinite sadness

2007-03-04T22:29:00.000-05:00

last night i lost the best valentine's day gift I had ever received.
if anyone finds a gold ring with like a black stone in the middle, please let me know.
it was so dear to my heart.
i found it on the stairs in front of my house on valentine's day (night) after sholving snow. it was meant to be. i love that ring. :((((((((((((((((((((((((((

two parts of a whole

2007-03-01T00:27:00.000-05:00

most days i don't really feel right. today i don't feel right. i started the day very well. i had gotten a very good sleep last night, a full 12 hours. i went to sleep early. it was a beautiful day, too. i kept getting my shoes stuck in mud. then tonight i skipped class, and drove to hoboken, and i guess that's when i started not to feel so well. no, actually i'm lying. i didn't feel well before that. i bought some clothes today in an impulse. i think i have a shopping problem, yes. some people like to eat to cope with whatever their problem of the day is. well, i like to eat and shop. which yields bigger problems. me being fat -> me needing to buy more clothes since i can't fit in any. i guess i should quit my impulsive behaviors, it would be a lot better for myself.

"The second time I meant, To last it out and not come back at all. I rocked shut,
As a seashell. They had to call and call, And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.
Dying
Is and art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well.
I do it so it feels like hell. I do it so it feels real. I guess you could say I've a call.
It's easy enough to do it in a cell. It's easy enough to do it and stay put. It's the theatrical.
Comeback in broad day, To the same place, the same face, the same brute, Amused shout:
'A miracle!' That knocks me out. There is a charge
For the eyeing my scars, there is a charge, For the hearing of my heart--- It really goes..."

"I am your opus, I am your valuable, The pure gold baby
That melts to a shriek. I turn and burn. Do not think I underestimate your great concern.
Ash, Ash--- You poke and stir. Flesh, bone, there is nothing there---
A cake of soap, A wedding ring, A gold filling.
Herr god, Herr lucifer, Beware, Beware.
Out of the ash, I rise with my red hair, And I eat men like air."

I don't feel so good. most of the time. I really feel like I'm losing touch with everyone. I feel like that all the time though. I go through these miniature breakdowns quite often. I'm often found reevaluating my life, here in my basement.
I got rid of a lot of negative influences (people, places, things, nouns) in my life. I thought that would help me out with a lot of things. It did, I guess. I really have nothing to say in here, cause I don't want to say anything to you people reading this. It's not personal, it's just the way I am. I don't really like anyone knowing how I feel about things. sorry.

I hope you all have a good night and a good weekend.
The end.

central and remote.

2007-02-27T01:28:00.000-05:00

central, remote, any further and i'll know.

So today I got into a pretty vicious car accident. I was on the parkway, going a steady 75 miles per hour, when a van just cut across three lanes and smashed right into me. Seemed to be almost on purpose, and the guy in the van just got out of the car all bloodied up and ran into the bushes of clifton, new jersey.
but then the most important part of the story...
the police were called and my car was folded in half along the divider and i was stuck under my steering wheel some how.. but as soon as "let's go crazy" (the prince song, you know what I'm talking about) came on my stereo, i was soon transported into an alien spacecraft. I don't know how this happened, or maybeeeee this accident was my fate which would lead me to my true calling (alien spacecraft princess)..
but anyways, now i'm up here, fifty thousand light years away, and ten galaxies to the south, and I've just become the new princess of Planet Weird.
I love it here and I'm never going back to STUPID earth.
ew losers, i hate you all.
but maybe if you're lucky enough, I can teleport you (we have these abilities on PW) over here. Just look into a mirror at midnight and say "bloody mary" three times, then you'll see my vision, and I'll decide whether or not you'll leave the dark side to come and live permanently on Planet Weird.
Please come visit! Love you all! See you in 2018.

don't think twice, its alright.

2007-02-25T23:23:00.000-05:00

i had work today, my manager let most of us leave early cause she was worried. what a cutie pie.
my head still hurts from friday night. apparently, ashley witnessed me fall backwards + i hit my head. what fun.
i have lead poisoning. no, not really, i'm lying. on friday though, i did accidentally stab myself with a pen. now in the middle finger of my left hand is a small, black ink dot.
i really hope i don't have cla$$ tomorrow. \
blahblahlbahlbalhalhalhlahl.
i hate blogs, i really do, i have nothing to write in them. i really don't want the world seeing what i have to say about recent events surrounding my life.
i guess i'll make this as vague as possible without people catching on to my crazy ways.

i'm tired, but its too early to go to sleep.

heart attack

2007-02-08T22:56:00.000-05:00

anna nicole is dead!!! the world is officially ending. i've got strep throat, anna is dead, the glaciers are melting, i filled my gas tank for the first time in a year, my family is leaving in four days, carbon taxes might be the newest thing on pennsylvania avenue, aids in china is increasing, THIS IS TOO WEIRD!
something.
is.
wrong.
on a brighter note, i feel like i'm getting better. no more chills, fever, stomach pains (kinda), or headaches. my throat still hurts though. it feels like hydrochloric acid is just chillin' out in the back of my throat eating away at my glands! yummmmmy!
valentine's day is coming up.
since i am like the only hostess who is single- of course i got a phone call asking if i could work that day. but i can't cause i've got classes. i'd hate to do that anyways.
anyone that goes to houlihans for valentine's day is an idiot. if you're reading this now, don't go there.
i have to call deana tomorrow. i missed her phone call on wednesday.
i've been in complete seclusion all week. i've probably left my house about three times.
but hey! i've lost some pounds, niiice niiice.
i don't know what i'm doing tomorrow night, i just hope i feel better. i hope tonight i can go to sleep. every time i try to sleep at night it's utterly impossible. sorry, i keep complaining, but it's the only thing that's been going on in my life.
next week will be much better.

well now...

2007-02-01T16:08:00.000-05:00

ever!!!! who's reading this? i'd like to know, but i'm not going to know. oh well!!! i want some chocolate chip cookiesiisiesiises.. COOKIES. woo hoo. please hold.