it sucks to be a server.

Okay, I love everyone I work with, really I do (except for like 4 of you, but no one likes you either so you're almost non-existant) and I didn't mind going into work on Christmas Eve, because I'm hoping that maybe that means I won't have to work NYE. And I was hoping to get a lot of pity tips.
WHICH DID NOT HAPPEN.
I worked from 4 to 9. I had four tables. I made TEN DOLLARS. TEN DOLLARS. and for all you people out there that think we get paychecks so it evens out, WELL WE DON'T, SO THAT MEANS, I MADE EXACTLY 2 DOLLARS AN HOUR PUTTING UP WITH BULLSHIT.

Open letter to my last table tonight....
You came in 50 minutes before closing, I wanted one last table, so I took you and gave you the benefit of the doubt. You were the last table in the entire restaurant. You didn't ask for refills and you got only one course, a table that I thought would pity me. 3 adults (parent looking types) and one teenager (probably their son, or NOW more likely their slave, i feel for you child). You guys looked like you could afford to leave a decent tip, and well IF YOU CAN'T DON'T GO OUT TO EAT, MAKE YOUR OWN FOOD YOURSELVES YOU BASTARDS. I hope you know that one of our entrees is like 1000 calories, and I hope that you are unable to lose the weight, some how continue to gain weight cos of this, and fall into a downward spiral of obesity.
Oh and the woman at the table, you got a dessert to go, probably realizing that we were trying to close and you were keeping everyone there. How kind of you, I put extra caramel on your cake because your fat ass wanted extra, I SHOULD HAVE vomitted in a to-go container, wrapped it up, and gave it to you. I regret not doing that.
Your bill was 60$.
I knew the minute you wanted to put half on credit and paid the rest in cash that I was fucked.
And I was.
On a 60 dollar check, you left me FIVE DOLLARS. wow thanks. I guess since gas prices have dropped, you believe that's a decent tip.
THATS NOT EVEN 10 PERCENT. YOU SLIMY BASTARDS.
I hope you get into a car accident tonight when you're drunk and die.
Really, I've never wished that on anyone, but you just crossed the line.
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE, YOU ARE MY LAST TABLE, AND YOU LEAVE ME AN 8 PERCENT TIP. FUCK you.

sincerely,
your server at houlihans in hasbrouck heights.



If you are read this and you are like the above said people,
we will spit in your food, or drop your burgers on the ground.
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE TOO CHEAP AND DISGUSTING TO LEAVE A DECENT TIP, YOU SHOULD STAY HOME.
Don't sit at our tables for two hours and leave less than 15%. Really, you shouldn't even leave less than 18%. If you were a DECENT HUMAN you wouldn't.
If I know you, and you are one of those types of people, I'm secretly ashamed to know you. You are an embarrassment to everyone you know. The minute you leave a shitty tip, you are a shitty person.
Don't say because I ask IF YOU NEED CHANGE that I'm trying to rip you off or try to get a bigger tip. I'm just asking if you need change, there are no alterior motives behind this. Obviously, if you put cash in a check presenter, I will ask if you need change. Duh. Hello? Is your brain leaking?
No matter how kind and polite you may be, that isn't an excuse to leave a bad tip.
You will have bad karma if you do this. Understand that.

Besides my little rant, everyone at work- I love you, and thanks for making today a shitshow.
Everyone outside of work- I love you too.

Happy Christmas everyone, and to all my Jewish friends- Happy Hannukah.

pt 2.

Oh I forgot to add, this redken stuff that I put in my hair that's supposed to help distressed dead ends looks EXACTLY LIKE semen. It even has the same consistency, I've yet to swallow some of it, but when I do I'll let you know how the taste test goes.
Interesting, huh?

I just bought black sparkly nail polish.

I really love punk rock.
I want to be a punk rock girl and listen to the damned, the buzzcocks, fugazi, and the misfits every day!!!!
I want to have blue hair and a nose hoop and wear big fucking bad ass lime green doc martens. (ya no commas!)

those would be cool too.
Hey everyone guess what?
I completed this semester!
I didn't drop out and I'm pretty sure I did good on my finals, mom and dad will be SO PROUD. not.
I wish I was ballsy enough to be a punk rock girl. One day maybe I'll do it. I can't get kicked out of my house yet cause I don't have enough money to live on my own, but once I move to philly maybe I'll do it. (if i dye my hair blue I'm quite certain mother will throw my ass to the curb)
Mom's taking away my credit card.
Oh debt, you love my generation so much.
Didn't the fed just lower interest rates? I hope they did, maybe credit card companies will stop being such slimy bastards now.

i love you all, have a good weekend.

harvest moon

I forgot what I was going to say.?
Today I was talking to Lira and we realized (maybe not so much on her part, but more on my part) that we're both going to be alone on Valentine's Day (once again). Which made me realize that I will be that old lady that lives alone in her huge, empty apartment with a few pieces of furniture and a dozen cats/dogs. Donde son mis amigas? Mis amigas son en mi cabeza!! I hate my job. Where am I going come September? What happens if I don't get into escuela? I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'm really going to have to run away. I can't stay here for another semester if I'm not in school, I'd have to at least go somewhere/do something. I hate growing up. I'm like the real incarnation of Tinker Bell (two words or one?). What's going to happen to me? I'm a lost cause.

second entry: a runaway/mini breakdown letter

a letter to my parents about me running away to philadelphia.
they never got this letter since I ended up telling them about my plan the day before I left.
(this is undated, but it's sometime between the last week of may and the first week of june)


The only reason I'm writing this is so you guys don't worry. Although, maybe that line wasn't the best opening statement.
I'll be gone for a little while. I need some time off. Sometime away from everything and everyone. This is a good thing for me. I need this. I need a break before I lose my mind, if I haven't already. Please don't call me.
I'll call you when I get to my destination. I'm still not sure where that is though. It's just like any other trip I'll take, except you guys can't know the details. I'm not telling my friends either, so don't feel left out. If I'm not home tonight or tomorrow I'll be home by Friday night so I can do my laundry for work. I'm not going on some crazy drug binge either, cause I know you're probably thinking that.
Recently I've really fallen into a funk and I need some recooperating. I need to build up my mental immune system, I need a clean slate, and I need to be away from everything I'm so attached to. I've worn myself thin. I'm stressing myself out.
I'm pretty sure of where I'm going actually. And I know someone there, I figure they can help me around.
Just please don't fret about me, I'm going to be perfectly fine, and if I won't be, then I'll call you. I'm sorry that you have my basket case ass for a daughter.
I love you all, you're the best.
Don't worry about me, I'm an adult, and I'm tough, and I carry mase.

Sincerely,
Samantha Jean McAndrew

first entry: a 2005 diary excerpt.

the bold print is commentary in the present tense. the regular print is shit that i actually wrote. i was and still are incredibly lame.


november 16th, 2005
"to be written in the style of bridget jones"
(this is during my b.j. obsession, and please, no blow job references to that)

weight; unsure, approximately 122 (ugh). alcohol units: 0. cigarettes: 2. blunts/bongs/etc; 0. boyfriends; ZERO!!!
(i can't believe that 2 and a half years ago i was scoffing at being 122 lbs. IF ONLY I COULD BE THAT AGAIN).

... i'm on the search for my own personal Mark Darcy AND despite my newly single status, I already have to deal with love interests and the like. Well for one, before will remain nameless and I officially completely ended things, will remain nameless#2 and I hooked up. I slept over, you get my drift. NO FUNNY BUSINESS WENT ON, this is truth. Soon after I ended things with nameless #1, I realized how much I'd rather be single.
Then I almost talked to beautiful prominent nose boy (yes, this was a nickname for a crush of mine that i had away at school that i was too scared to talk to) the other night, but things were awkward. So I've officially had my first school girl crush since middle school. I can't even speak around this boy, I get so nervous. We should just both TALK!!!!!
Anyways, I've also got a little crush on nameless#3. We're hanging out together over Thanksgiving break, we'll see what happens there.
(some more stuff about nameless#2 and then..) Also, forgot to mention, I hooked up with some asshole here who thinks he's hot shit. Waste of time.
It feels like sophomore year again. I love being a singleton and thoroughly love all my interests.
I hope things work out with beautiful boy here though. I need a picture of him. I haven't seen him today :(. I'm in love!!
(about april/may my crush and i finally talked despite months of exchanged glances whilst on campus, which was the most awkward moment of my life. neither of us could say anything, and we were totally acting like little children with crushes on strangers. i don't remember much about it, except exchanging names and my stomach flip flopping)

That was me inviting you all into the brain of my 19 year old self. I hope you found it as interesting/naive/stupid as I did.
_________________________________________________________

PHILADELPHIA....

is my new favorite place.

Tuesday:
Tuesday morning about 12, Nora, Winnie, and I decided to drive down. After packing about 12 outfits, and no sneakers (which i later regretted) I picked them up. It took us maybe a little over 2 hours? I can't remember, but there was pretty evil traffic around exit 7.
We arrive with no place to go, so we're driving around in the afternoon heat for an hour or so trying to find a cheap place to stay so we don't have to sleep in the car. Every place we find is about 180 a night. Finally we're driving around 3rd and chestnut, and nora spots a little hole in the wall. "Society Hill Hotel". We go in, 120 a night. Check in is at the bar below the hotel, and we pay cash, and they don't ask for any id, very shady. Anyways, we unpack, lounge around, and get dressed.
The area's very safe and a pretty trendy little place called "Old City". We're right outside center city, and a few blocks from the Liberty Bell. We hike through center city, around the museum district, and through a small Chinatown that didn't have any Asian people. We stumble upon the Black Sheep bar, and get some drinks and hummus. The hummus sucks and the drinks are alright. Barely any places card in Philly. We walk back home and start to get ready for the night.
It starts pouring while we're getting ready which completely spoils our plans, but we're not going to let it bring us down. People tell us about Skinner's bar around the block, so we head over there. For a Tuesday night there's a nice sized crowd and its kareoke night. None of us are daring enough to engage in the antics, so we leave the place. We find this place that looks like a church, or some old greek revival building that once upon a time might've been a small courtroom, who knows, but we get in and there's pews on one side and a bar on the other, and once again kareoke. We meet these boys, one who's like an air force pilot, and the other that's wearing a hurley t-shirt. We talk with them for a little while, until something happens, and we start bitching them out, and we leave to go back to our hotel. Get a 6 pack and eventually sleep.

Wednesday:
Two hour parking starts at 8am, and I guess I don't really take Philly parking cops seriously, so I don't wake up at 8. I wake up later to find a ticket on my car, which ended up being cheaper than the parking tickets in Rutherford. ::::TIP; PHILLY COPS ARE SERIOUS ABOUT PARKING! don't fuck with them::: I get in the car trying to find a walgreens or something, it takes me about an hour, and I pick up about 5 bottles of water and a tooth brush. We're all sick and hungover since we basically did not eat anything the day before. I skipped the "continental breakfast" in the morning, which I semi-regret cause I would've liked to try a Philly bagel. We do some more walking around and shit like that. Head over to the Franklin Institute and walk through the giant heart with about 22 other little children. Parents gawk at us strangely, and we see a lot of cute babies. The place wasn't as fun as I remembered but it was still cute. We walk back to the car about 5 blocks away and notice that they're filming It's Always Sunny basically next to my car. Winnie sees the guy Charlie and we hang around and eventually meet DANNY DEVITO who's very small and falls in love with us.
We go back into New Jersey to get a free, classy dinner at my uncle's restaurant. We get the VIP treatment, and I WISH that we had a fridge in our hotel so I could've brought the food home. My uncle and his girlfriend tell us some places to check out, and we head back to Philly. Getting back to Philly isn't as difficult as getting to Collingswood.
Once again, we go home and get ready for the night.
At night we hit South Street and meet these weird heavy metal kids that bring us to some shitty bar that plays Evanescense. Those idiots are singing the songs, while the kid next to me thinks our accents are Australian, we inevitably leave this place, although on this rainy Wednesday night there was NO ONE OUT. I mean no one, I mean, Rutherford would've had more transients walking around then this supposed mecca of bars. We walk around trying to find a place before the bars close at 2. We stumble upon a drunk frat boy who tries to party with us, but in the end it's his friend that tells us about a cheap dive bar that's open and comes with us. The drunk boy wanders off and we follow his friend to "Dirty Franks". There's more people at this place, thank god, and although its a strange crowd, we have a nice time. We tell the friend about our nomad situation, his name was Alfred (i think). Anyways, Alfred, like almost everyone else we meet, tells us if we need a place to crash we could stay with him if worse comes to worse. Now this wasn't creepy, he put it out there in a truly hospitable way. Over the course of the week we found more than a handful of people that were willing to take us in, strictly out of kindness, not creepy at all. We start to buy drinks by the handful since we realize that the bar is going to close in about a half hour. I buy a tequila shot, buttery nip shot, and a rum and coke FOR ONLY 10.25! The bartender is this crazy, fucked up woman, sweet, but totally wasted but definately not drunk. Anyways, upon leaving Winnie buys two drinks, two shots, and a 6 pack of beer to-go for only 18$. Crazy prices, we fall in love with the place. It's a long back to the hotel in the pouring rain, and we start drinking the beers on the walk. I'm hiding mine in my closed umbrella when I accidentally press the button to release the umb. which hits me in the mouth. Pretty painful, there's some Philadelphia street peeing going on, and we make it back to our hotel in one drunk piece. Share some drugs, tell some stories, drink some more, Winnie passes out. Nora keeps me up till 630 and I have to wake up at 8 to move the car.

Thursday:
We have to wake up every two hours to put money in the meter, which is a giant pain in the ass, and this is the latest we sleep in all week. We wake up at 12 and around 1 the maid tells us check out was an hour ago. We get ready + pack up real fast. Give back the key, and get in the car. During the week someone tells us about this neighborhood a little outside Philly called Manayunk, so we make the trip. We find a restaurant called Winnie's (she took a picture with it) don't eat there, but eat at the Bourbon House off the Main Street. The whole neighborhood is absolutely adorable but pretty far from Center City. We take some pictures, and try to find what we're going to do, where we're going to go, where we're putting my car, and where we're going to sleep. We don't have enough money for a parking garage. By some grace of god we get back into Center City, and find 12 hour street parking. We put in about 5 hours of change, when Nora realizes it's 6 and that after 7 we don't need to feed the meter, we're asses. Since we have no place to go, we just walk around in circles. Actually walk around for miles in circles. Walk from 33rd street in University City to try and get into an M.I.A. show. The oldest people standing outside the show were us, and every stupid little girl there was wearing horrible neon leggings. We decided to skip it, especially since I had 35 dollars left, and between Nora and Winnie they had about 80. We walk across the bridge in University City down to Walnut and 16th to get into a bar that some guys said was legit. I bet this place would've been a lot of fun if I had money or if we weren't the only people in the entire place. We have one drink and bounce. Winnie gets a French Martini and I love that drink now. We walk back down to South Street. For you people that don't know Philly, we probably walked about five miles from U.C. to South Street. There's a lot more people out tonight, which makes us a little bit more excited. We stop into O'Neals Pub around 10 and meet these three guys who seem a little whack, but we end up chatting with them anyways.
They're telling us about this club uptown called Silk City. They leave to go there and we tell them, we'll meet them. They said it's a happening little hipster club, so why not? At least we'll meet some young peoples. We take a cab there and it's pretty packed. There's dancing and 90s hip hop. We meet up with the kids, Nelson and Kyle, and start drinking and dancing. Kyle's on the floor doing backflips in the air and dancing the worm. Nora and I keep making circles and pushing the crowd back and all these crazy dancers are getting down in the middle and going crazy. It's a lot of fun, a lot of dancing, etc. The place packs up, and theres not much room to move, but whatever!
We go outside with our new friends, smoking cigarettes with about 100 other kids. Some little kid starts picking on Nora and the kid Nelson gets all in his face about it. He's friends with the bouncer, and gets the little one kicked out. The kid starts yelling about his boys, blah blah blah, but nothing happens and he eventually bounces. Kyle and I start skateboarding, while going up to strangers and asking them where we can find a diner in horrible Australian accents. A "corny" chant starts, and it's a really good time. The bouncer yells and tells everyone its time to go home.
The boys ask us if we wanna party at their apt. with them and we take two cabs to South Philly. We smoke a blunt, joke around, meet their pitbull that they rescued from euthanasia, and basically just chill about. They live in a pretty huge 2-story apartment that they each only pay 200 a month for. THATS ALMOST HOW MUCH MY CAR COSTS. anyways, they tell us we can stay with them (no creepiness at all) but we can't. Although, if we did, they invited us to party with them at Bam Margera's the next day. We walk with them to a diner where we call about 5 cab companes and wait about an hour for one to arrive.
21st and parkway, gyro mom, corny, i said you'z a hoe, I love Philadelphia, I can't wait to go back and party with our crazy boys.

two posts in the past 20 minutes

sorry, but i need to write another.



i don't even know what i need to write here. i hope no one reads this, except for hannah, only because shes the last person who commented me in the past like 5 months. miss you girl!! ps. lets get together soon and happy birthday. i hope you read this or else ill feel really dumb. also, when are you done with school? once again, if you don't read this anytime soon, i'll feel really stupid lol.
i've been drinking... nothing unusual, but i'll use that as an excuse.
i'm on the south beach diet and i'm not supposed to be drinking alcohol... but honestly, how am i supposed to function in a social setting without alcohol?
I dont know!
which is why i'm going to continue to drink, but i guess be stricter with everything else.
i saw andrew today, it made me so happy, i miss that boy. he's a graduate now, i'm so proud, he's like a real adult. also, andrew sorry for pinching you tonight, i just have these impulsive little reactions to people that i can't control.

i'm impulsive.
i'm also petrified of relationships of all kinds. i feel like i always push people away. i always push people away. i'm afraid to tell the people i'm closest to how i feel. i dont even know how to put into words what i mean. well, i do, but i just don't want to say that much. i don't want to pour out my entire emotional contents into the "blogosphere".
when i'm feeling down, nina simone makes me feel better, even if its a sad song.
i like sad songs, and sad movies, and sad books.
if i were a stranger reading this blog i'd hate me. how do people associate with me?
i'm on the fence about a few things. i'm not sure about anything, but i am sure that i have to apply to school and go up to purchase this week so i can get my transcripts. i haven't made the ride across the tappan zee in so long.
i'm feeling much better now then when i first started writing this blog, but maybe it's cause i'm fucked up, or because this pain in my bladder/uterus is diverting my attention.

south beach diet

every time we say good bye, i die a little
every time we say good bye, i wonder why a little
why the gods above me who must be in the know
think so little of me, they allow you to go.



despite drinking alcohol, i'm fairly ambitious with my diet and haven't really cheated except for when i've forgot about it.

welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

" It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire. "
- e. b.

" I shall go and talk to him. I shall say good night. What does the brain matter, " said Lady Rosseter, getting up, "compared with the heart?"
" I will come," said Peter, but he sat on for a moment. What is this terror? what is this ecstasy? he thought to himself. What is it that fills me with extraordinary excitement?
It is Clarissa, he said.
For there she was.
- v. w.


i'm a hopeless romantic. and im going to start using my blog again.